I was doing so well today! But PTSD doesn't really adhere to my made up rules of control, and I totally triggered myself today. Not exactly on purpose... but kind of?
Here I was thinking I was feeling good about death. In truth, I still am. But there are parts I definitely struggle with. I was reading Smoke Gets In Your Eyes & Other Lessons from the Crematory by Caitlin Doughty, and she was retelling her first real encounter with death. She was a kid, and a girl fell from the second story of the mall near her. She was talking about being triggered by certain sounds, creating OCD rituals for herself to come to grips with it, not seeking therapy as her parents didn't believe in it. But then she said something about her inner monologue as time passed:
"As I grew older and the constant thoughts of death subsided, the rituals ended, and the thuds stopped haunting my dreams. I developed a thick layer of denial about death in order to live my life. When the feelings would come, the emotions, the grief, I would push them down deeper, furious at myself for allowing them to peek through. My inner dialogue could be ruthless: You're fine. You're not starving, no one beats you. Your parents are still alive. There is real sadness in the world and yours is pathetic, you whiney, insignificant cow."
Fuck. This is MY inner dialogue. I had been intentionally ignoring the date. Holding in those hot tears that sting and refusing to say to anyone what is going on in my mind. I dove into caring for my family to block out those images burned in my memory.
I read that passage and proceeded to hold my breath. If I don't breathe, I won't acknowledge any of it. As I could feel my pulse start to pound in my head, I had to take a breath. It was more like a hiccup.
Keep it together. You're fine. You should be over this already...
Okay... Lets put this meditation stuff into practice. Focus on the breath. Breathing in. Breathing out. Not hyperventilating. Good!
I hopped in the shower. Heat and steam always seem to help. So I stood there in the scalding water, just letting it wrap me up in hot steam like a hug. I still wouldn't let myself cry, but I felt better. Washed my hair. Breathing in. Breathing out. Acknowledge those thoughts as just that - thoughts. Let them drift away from the front of my mind.
I'm not exactly perfectly okay. But I'm better.
Thinking of you, Joe. I can't believe it's been 4 years already. I'll light a candle tonight in your memory and pray that your family has some comfort.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Death Positive Movement and a Sense of Community?
I'm not afraid of the idea of dying, I'm afraid of being forgotten. My death plan is a bit contradictory to my fears of being forgotten, but it was also designed by my son. My wish is to be cremated and my ashes placed under an oak tree. Now, whether the location of said tree is in a cemetery, or on my parents property in Mt Pleasant is still up for debate, but I know what I want to happen to my body. I don't want to be embalmed. I don't want people to stand around and stare at my body - I won't be in there, so why stare at the shell?
Having recently gone to a Baptist funeral (talk about a positive service!) I realized that my fear of being forgotten is a real one. As I walked past the kitchen in the basement of the church, it brought back a flood of memories from my childhood, growing up in a close knit faith community. It's the community aspect that I'm currently missing. I have managed to do a really good job of isolating myself. I'm not exactly an extrovert, but I do miss having a group to belong to.
I tried to submerge myself in the EDS community, but it's a curious community. The local group I found were all particularly bitter and depressed. They judged my upbeat and compassionate personality as "not having it as bad as them." That isn't necessarily the case, but it left me feeling like I didn't belong so I faded out of that community.
I have been looking more closely at death positive groups lately, and I feel very connected to these people. The idea of how death can be empowering, moving, and even beautiful in it's own way. I've been particularly drawn to Caitlin Doughty, and have been gobbling up her wisdom in every media I come across. The death positive movement is something that has been on my mind for a very long time, but not something I've been very open to talking about. My interest in the movement started back when my grandmother died. My mother prepared her body before the mortician arrived from the funeral home, and as she bathed her and wrapped her in clean linens, I remember thinking how incredibly intimate and natural that experience was. Until very recently, this was the norm! Families took care of their dead! I don't find the act of bathing or preparing my loved ones as macabre or filthy or gross. It's an act of love!
Maybe I have another career waiting for me in the mortuary industry?
I don't know why this popped into my head today, but I figured it was there for a reason and I needed to get it down. In the past five years I have spent quite a bit of time in cemeteries, just walking around. When I lived in Minnesota this past year, I visited many, many cemeteries - from little local ones within walking distance to my apartment, to historical sites of early settlers. All of them are unique and I'm looking forward to a break in the weather to go walking again soon. I recently asked someone if they would join me, and it was a relief when they said they weren't put off by the idea and would come with me. I've never really felt compelled to share the experience with anyone before, but I'm warming up to the idea of letting people in.
Having recently gone to a Baptist funeral (talk about a positive service!) I realized that my fear of being forgotten is a real one. As I walked past the kitchen in the basement of the church, it brought back a flood of memories from my childhood, growing up in a close knit faith community. It's the community aspect that I'm currently missing. I have managed to do a really good job of isolating myself. I'm not exactly an extrovert, but I do miss having a group to belong to.
I tried to submerge myself in the EDS community, but it's a curious community. The local group I found were all particularly bitter and depressed. They judged my upbeat and compassionate personality as "not having it as bad as them." That isn't necessarily the case, but it left me feeling like I didn't belong so I faded out of that community.
I have been looking more closely at death positive groups lately, and I feel very connected to these people. The idea of how death can be empowering, moving, and even beautiful in it's own way. I've been particularly drawn to Caitlin Doughty, and have been gobbling up her wisdom in every media I come across. The death positive movement is something that has been on my mind for a very long time, but not something I've been very open to talking about. My interest in the movement started back when my grandmother died. My mother prepared her body before the mortician arrived from the funeral home, and as she bathed her and wrapped her in clean linens, I remember thinking how incredibly intimate and natural that experience was. Until very recently, this was the norm! Families took care of their dead! I don't find the act of bathing or preparing my loved ones as macabre or filthy or gross. It's an act of love!
Maybe I have another career waiting for me in the mortuary industry?
I don't know why this popped into my head today, but I figured it was there for a reason and I needed to get it down. In the past five years I have spent quite a bit of time in cemeteries, just walking around. When I lived in Minnesota this past year, I visited many, many cemeteries - from little local ones within walking distance to my apartment, to historical sites of early settlers. All of them are unique and I'm looking forward to a break in the weather to go walking again soon. I recently asked someone if they would join me, and it was a relief when they said they weren't put off by the idea and would come with me. I've never really felt compelled to share the experience with anyone before, but I'm warming up to the idea of letting people in.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Letting Go
Today's meditation was focused on Letting Go. Our tendency is to grasp on to people, emotions, memories, and feelings. Holding on so tightly to things of our past. Holding on to things of our present. When we hear the phrase "letting go" it can trigger a sense of fear - it means letting go of control. Giving up our notion of control can be a scary thing for many people! But letting go doesn't have to mean giving up or giving in, just allowing yourself to release whatever it is we are clinging so tightly to - to be more free. Resistance intensifies pain... Letting go doesn't mean ignoring or suppression either - just acknowledging things as they are in the moment and letting the judgements and harsh self criticism float away.
Two monks were travelling together and came upon a river where they saw a young woman. She was afraid of the strong current and asked the monks if they would carry her across. The first monk hesitated. The second quickly stepped in and scooped her up, putting her on his shoulders. They crossed the river and he set her down. She thanked him and departed.
As the monks continued on their way, the first monk was brooding and preoccupied. Finally, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother! Our spiritual training teaches us to avoid contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"
"Brother," he replied. "I set her down on the other side long ago, while YOU are the one who is still carrying her."
The second monk was overwhelmed with his feelings of judgement and criticism, while the first did what was needed in the moment, letting go of his own judgements of the situation, to help someone in need.
I have spent years being the first monk. Carrying around preconceived notions, grudges, and judgements (both internal and external) and it has been an interesting journey learning to let that shit go. But I did "let go" of something yesterday, and I felt/feel a sense of pride in how I handled myself. Someone reached out to me out of the blue to invite me to lunch and to catch up. The last time I spoke to this person was while they were in the hospital, where they thought they were on deaths doorstep and they asked me to bury the hatchet and forgive the previous blunders of our supposed friendship. I told them then that I had forgiven. But then no further contact was made by either party.
This invitation for lunch was really an invitation to reconnect and attempt a friendship again. I politely declined. When they seemed a little miffed that I wasn't interested, I made it clear that while we may have been friends once, we were no longer friends, and that was okay. That just because I had forgiven them doesn't mean I have to give them permission to stay in my life. I had let go of the past hurt, but I now let go of the idea that I had to try to be friends too. I just... let it go. But I did so without being cruel or mean or spiteful. I told them that there were no hard feelings, but a friendship just wasn't in the cards. They accepted, also said there were no hard feelings, and offered to be there should I ever need anything in the future.
So now I continue on my journey, having set that one thing down at the river bank.
Two monks were travelling together and came upon a river where they saw a young woman. She was afraid of the strong current and asked the monks if they would carry her across. The first monk hesitated. The second quickly stepped in and scooped her up, putting her on his shoulders. They crossed the river and he set her down. She thanked him and departed.
As the monks continued on their way, the first monk was brooding and preoccupied. Finally, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother! Our spiritual training teaches us to avoid contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"
"Brother," he replied. "I set her down on the other side long ago, while YOU are the one who is still carrying her."
The second monk was overwhelmed with his feelings of judgement and criticism, while the first did what was needed in the moment, letting go of his own judgements of the situation, to help someone in need.
I have spent years being the first monk. Carrying around preconceived notions, grudges, and judgements (both internal and external) and it has been an interesting journey learning to let that shit go. But I did "let go" of something yesterday, and I felt/feel a sense of pride in how I handled myself. Someone reached out to me out of the blue to invite me to lunch and to catch up. The last time I spoke to this person was while they were in the hospital, where they thought they were on deaths doorstep and they asked me to bury the hatchet and forgive the previous blunders of our supposed friendship. I told them then that I had forgiven. But then no further contact was made by either party.
This invitation for lunch was really an invitation to reconnect and attempt a friendship again. I politely declined. When they seemed a little miffed that I wasn't interested, I made it clear that while we may have been friends once, we were no longer friends, and that was okay. That just because I had forgiven them doesn't mean I have to give them permission to stay in my life. I had let go of the past hurt, but I now let go of the idea that I had to try to be friends too. I just... let it go. But I did so without being cruel or mean or spiteful. I told them that there were no hard feelings, but a friendship just wasn't in the cards. They accepted, also said there were no hard feelings, and offered to be there should I ever need anything in the future.
So now I continue on my journey, having set that one thing down at the river bank.
Monday, February 19, 2018
One Thing At A Time
My meditations for the past couple days have had a singular message: focus on one thing at a time! I like to think that I'm pretty good at multi-tasking, but in reality I'm pretty overwhelmed by certain aspects of my life.
My dad has been in the hospital since the 12th. He had a major back surgery to fuse most of his lumbar spine. There were complications and he had a second surgery on the 15th to correct the complications. That was 4 days ago and he is still in extreme pain. They are talking about releasing him tomorrow to a rehab facility, as the surgeon has decided there is nothing else he can do. He made a mistake and has essentially just shrugged and said "welp, there's nothing else we can do here. You may as well go home to be miserable." He can't walk, can't sit up without discomfort, and we are just supposed to take him home?? So off to rehab he goes so he can get the care he needs without taking up space at the hospital. I've been visiting the hospital, but I'm starting to run out of things to say. I'm trying very hard not to say things like "it will get better, I promise!" Or "everything happens for a reason." These phrases are so invalidating and gives the impression that his frustrations are not warranted and he needs to get over it already.
I've been trying to be supportive of my mother too. Making sure the kitchen is picked up, caring for their pets, keeping clean/fresh towels in the bathroom so when she's home she doesn't have to worry about anything. I've brought her food to the hospital, cups of tea, and done a few shifts at the hospital with dad so that she can go home to rest, shower, sleep, etc.
They both require support in such different ways. My dad requires emotional support with hand holding and a listening heart. To just sit with him and listen to him ramble - the best distraction for him. My mother is more receptive to support in the form of "caring for the organism." Making sure her basic needs are being met: food, sleep, rest.
"Focus on one thing at a time."
So how does this all fit together? There is another person in all this that also needs support. Me! But the way I have always functioned before is to care for others first, and once they are squared away, there will be time for my own self care. This time I'm trying it a little differently. When I start feeling overwhelmed, I'm taking time to center myself, focus on the breath, and settle my thoughts down.
Breathing in.
Breathing out.
Bringing myself back to the basics. Focusing on just one thing to calm the chaos of everything else. These meditative moments have really opened me up to focus on what matters, focus on what needs to get done, and keep moving in a positive and forward direction. I continue to learn how to be my own life support. That's not to say I don't need support from friends and family, but that I can better recognize when I really can't handle things on my own. Right now I can handle my parents. Right now I can handle my therapy and meditations to strengthen my mental and emotional resolve. Right now I can handle reaching out to a lawyer for an additional consultation. Right now I can handle being present in my own journey, while still bearing witness to the journey of those I hold most dear.
I continue to make forward progress.
My dad has been in the hospital since the 12th. He had a major back surgery to fuse most of his lumbar spine. There were complications and he had a second surgery on the 15th to correct the complications. That was 4 days ago and he is still in extreme pain. They are talking about releasing him tomorrow to a rehab facility, as the surgeon has decided there is nothing else he can do. He made a mistake and has essentially just shrugged and said "welp, there's nothing else we can do here. You may as well go home to be miserable." He can't walk, can't sit up without discomfort, and we are just supposed to take him home?? So off to rehab he goes so he can get the care he needs without taking up space at the hospital. I've been visiting the hospital, but I'm starting to run out of things to say. I'm trying very hard not to say things like "it will get better, I promise!" Or "everything happens for a reason." These phrases are so invalidating and gives the impression that his frustrations are not warranted and he needs to get over it already.
I've been trying to be supportive of my mother too. Making sure the kitchen is picked up, caring for their pets, keeping clean/fresh towels in the bathroom so when she's home she doesn't have to worry about anything. I've brought her food to the hospital, cups of tea, and done a few shifts at the hospital with dad so that she can go home to rest, shower, sleep, etc.
They both require support in such different ways. My dad requires emotional support with hand holding and a listening heart. To just sit with him and listen to him ramble - the best distraction for him. My mother is more receptive to support in the form of "caring for the organism." Making sure her basic needs are being met: food, sleep, rest.
"Focus on one thing at a time."
So how does this all fit together? There is another person in all this that also needs support. Me! But the way I have always functioned before is to care for others first, and once they are squared away, there will be time for my own self care. This time I'm trying it a little differently. When I start feeling overwhelmed, I'm taking time to center myself, focus on the breath, and settle my thoughts down.
Breathing in.
Breathing out.
Bringing myself back to the basics. Focusing on just one thing to calm the chaos of everything else. These meditative moments have really opened me up to focus on what matters, focus on what needs to get done, and keep moving in a positive and forward direction. I continue to learn how to be my own life support. That's not to say I don't need support from friends and family, but that I can better recognize when I really can't handle things on my own. Right now I can handle my parents. Right now I can handle my therapy and meditations to strengthen my mental and emotional resolve. Right now I can handle reaching out to a lawyer for an additional consultation. Right now I can handle being present in my own journey, while still bearing witness to the journey of those I hold most dear.
I continue to make forward progress.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Listening Without Judgement
I don't know a single person who does not struggle with Listening Without Judgement. Especially when listening to those we love and care about. And coming from a variety of codependent relationships in my life, it has made me acutely aware of when I am being judged. Especially during those often rare times what I open up to friends and family. But those times of opening up on my end are becoming more frequent, and my ability to cope with judgement (warranted and not) is also gaining strength.
My relationship with my mother felt crippling for such a long time. Her judgements of my thoughts and actions were always at the surface. "Why would you want to do that? That seems silly. You should do this instead. It will be better for you in the long run." So I would hide away my dreams and wishes, not wanting to be judged and told I was doing it "wrong." Little did I realize, but the "it" I was going about doing wrong in my mother's eyes was living my life on MY terms.
I have experienced this same type of judgement in some of my friendships too. I think they affect me in slightly more subtle ways, but it still gives me the sensation of "you're doing it wrong." The difference with it coming from anyone but my mother is that I'm not as offended by it. The advice offered and the concerns shared come from a place of love. They don't want to see me get hurt, and they want me to be successful in getting my shit together. Who doesn't want these things for the ones they love?
Today's meditation rang some internal alarms. That I too offer unsolicited advice at times when really, the person speaking just needs me to listen, to be present and witness what they are expressing in gentle observation. My internal voice labeling what I am hearing as good or bad is no longer listening... it has transformed into judgement.
"Observe what you are hearing with non-judgemental awareness. Listen without reaction."
I am by no means saying that I am simply dismissing my past (and present) mistakes and that I am not accountable for my actions. I absolutely am aware that some of my decisions have been questionable at best. I have been making an effort as of late to make decisions based on what feels right for me, and worrying less about how it will be interpreted by others.
"But isn't that a bad idea?"
This reminds me of an old story I once read in a book of Buddhist teachings. I don't recall the book or author or anything worth citing, other than the story itself.
There once was an old man who lived in a village. One day, his horse ran away. "Such bad fortune!" cried his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
The next day, his horse returned but brought along 2 wild horses with it. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Shortly after the horses returned, the man's son tried to ride one of the wild horses. He was thrown and broke his leg. "Such bad fortune!" cried the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Not long after that, the army marched into the village, recruiting all the young men to head off to war. Seeing the man's son walking with a crutch, they passed him over and moved on. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Maybe. We are never privy to knowing what is going to happen next, in the grand scheme of things. So to make the judgement of good or bad may be premature. We can follow our instincts and be present in each moment, but things can always go in the opposite direction in the blink of an eye.
I am working very hard on gaining mental and emotional strength. My therapist is a great help. My daily meditations are very enlightening, and a small reassurance that I've finally got myself pointed in the right direction for me. There is a rocky road ahead, but I am feeling confident in my own abilities to tackle it.
At least for today, haha.
My relationship with my mother felt crippling for such a long time. Her judgements of my thoughts and actions were always at the surface. "Why would you want to do that? That seems silly. You should do this instead. It will be better for you in the long run." So I would hide away my dreams and wishes, not wanting to be judged and told I was doing it "wrong." Little did I realize, but the "it" I was going about doing wrong in my mother's eyes was living my life on MY terms.
I have experienced this same type of judgement in some of my friendships too. I think they affect me in slightly more subtle ways, but it still gives me the sensation of "you're doing it wrong." The difference with it coming from anyone but my mother is that I'm not as offended by it. The advice offered and the concerns shared come from a place of love. They don't want to see me get hurt, and they want me to be successful in getting my shit together. Who doesn't want these things for the ones they love?
Today's meditation rang some internal alarms. That I too offer unsolicited advice at times when really, the person speaking just needs me to listen, to be present and witness what they are expressing in gentle observation. My internal voice labeling what I am hearing as good or bad is no longer listening... it has transformed into judgement.
"Observe what you are hearing with non-judgemental awareness. Listen without reaction."
I am by no means saying that I am simply dismissing my past (and present) mistakes and that I am not accountable for my actions. I absolutely am aware that some of my decisions have been questionable at best. I have been making an effort as of late to make decisions based on what feels right for me, and worrying less about how it will be interpreted by others.
"But isn't that a bad idea?"
This reminds me of an old story I once read in a book of Buddhist teachings. I don't recall the book or author or anything worth citing, other than the story itself.
There once was an old man who lived in a village. One day, his horse ran away. "Such bad fortune!" cried his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
The next day, his horse returned but brought along 2 wild horses with it. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Shortly after the horses returned, the man's son tried to ride one of the wild horses. He was thrown and broke his leg. "Such bad fortune!" cried the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Not long after that, the army marched into the village, recruiting all the young men to head off to war. Seeing the man's son walking with a crutch, they passed him over and moved on. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Maybe. We are never privy to knowing what is going to happen next, in the grand scheme of things. So to make the judgement of good or bad may be premature. We can follow our instincts and be present in each moment, but things can always go in the opposite direction in the blink of an eye.
I am working very hard on gaining mental and emotional strength. My therapist is a great help. My daily meditations are very enlightening, and a small reassurance that I've finally got myself pointed in the right direction for me. There is a rocky road ahead, but I am feeling confident in my own abilities to tackle it.
At least for today, haha.
Friday, February 9, 2018
Observation Without Reaction
Today's meditation was structured around "Observing what you feel without reacting to it." The guided meditation was referencing physical sensation; aches and pains, or a tickle on your forehead... All things that may happen while focused on what you are feeling in the moment of mindfulness. The practice today was to acknowledge the sensation, and let it go. To do nothing other than be aware of it's presence, accept that it is there, then move the mind on to the next sensation, without correcting or fixing the initial sensation. Just letting it be, honoring it for what it is, and moving through it.
Lord this one was a struggle...
There are a few relationships in my life that I feel like this EXACT practice is what I have been trying to do. There was a point when I had to take a step back from one of my best friends, and really acknowledge who we were in that present moment, accept that we had changed, honor that we were no longer compatible as close friends, and let it go.
So why is it so difficult for me to do that in other relationships in my life? My marriage is over, and I just need to tear the band aid off again and get it over with legally. I think part of me just aches to have it dissolve amicably. I understand that isn't realistic, but who can blame me for wanting to follow a path of acknowledgement, acceptance, honor, and release?
I have made an additional move in that direction. I have submitted the paperwork to empty out the last of my IRA. It won't be much, but it can get the ball rolling on filing costs and court fees. I feel anxious and excited. Endless possibilities, but I'm also standing and the foot of the mountain looking at the climb.
Even the greatest mountain climbers have to start in the same place. You climb one step at a time.
I'm taking another step and it feels like it's in the right direction.
Lord this one was a struggle...
There are a few relationships in my life that I feel like this EXACT practice is what I have been trying to do. There was a point when I had to take a step back from one of my best friends, and really acknowledge who we were in that present moment, accept that we had changed, honor that we were no longer compatible as close friends, and let it go.
So why is it so difficult for me to do that in other relationships in my life? My marriage is over, and I just need to tear the band aid off again and get it over with legally. I think part of me just aches to have it dissolve amicably. I understand that isn't realistic, but who can blame me for wanting to follow a path of acknowledgement, acceptance, honor, and release?
I have made an additional move in that direction. I have submitted the paperwork to empty out the last of my IRA. It won't be much, but it can get the ball rolling on filing costs and court fees. I feel anxious and excited. Endless possibilities, but I'm also standing and the foot of the mountain looking at the climb.
Even the greatest mountain climbers have to start in the same place. You climb one step at a time.
I'm taking another step and it feels like it's in the right direction.
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Meditation
With the recommendation of my therapist, I have started a practice of daily meditation. Since I really had never been "trained" how to do it, I decided to enroll myself in a 7 day mindfulness course using the Calm app. I just completed day 6, and admittedly, the practice is harder than I thought it would be. But something the instructor said during the guided meditation today struck a chord. Enough so that after the session was over, I went back and re-listened to that one portion.
"Mindfulness isn't about obtaining perfection, it's a practice of acceptance."
I'm working on being mindfully aware. Aware of my feelings. Aware of my actions. Aware of others feelings and actions. Taking it all in and just observing. Being present. Not trying to fix or control, just being present in each moment. Accepting things as they come, as they are. Taking it all in, and appreciating what is.
"Mindfulness isn't about obtaining perfection, it's a practice of acceptance."
I'm working on being mindfully aware. Aware of my feelings. Aware of my actions. Aware of others feelings and actions. Taking it all in and just observing. Being present. Not trying to fix or control, just being present in each moment. Accepting things as they come, as they are. Taking it all in, and appreciating what is.
Monday, February 5, 2018
Stable?
So it has been a little while since I've dedicated any real time to this blog, and quite a bit and nothing at all has happened in the last 2 years.
Medically I'm pretty stable. The occasional dislocation, and an ache in my fused wrist that comes and goes. My health has been a little shaky since December 30, 2017 - when I started getting symptoms of the flu - and it's been a long road to feeling better. I suspect my prolonged recovery is entirely due to stress and emotional overload.
As far as relationships go, I'm in a really unique place. On the one hand my marriage is over. In truth, it ended years ago, perhaps before it ever got started... but I am living with my parents again after spending the last year in Minnesota. I am getting my affairs in order to file and proceed with divorce. It's going to be messy. It's going to be hard. But it needs to be done. I can't pretend or delay it any longer. I'm sure I will be chronicling the process here. Or somewhere. On the other hand I'm also teetering on the edge of something new and completely different. I'm struggling with trying to keep things in check (as to not rush into anything) and yet I feel overwhelmingly that I need to honor myself enough to live authentically, and be present in the here and now. I am learning so much about myself, and what a more healthy relationship could look like.
Financially I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm making just enough to pay my current responsibilities, but not enough to even consider moving out on my own. It's frustrating, but at the same time, there is a reason to stay grounded where I am at the moment, and I'm learning to trust the process, to trust that God's divine plan has put me exactly where I need to be in this moment, and I welcome it. I am taking the time to actually pause and observe, and not to just rush through and get to the next phase already.
Which brings me to faith. I have always been pretty private with my faith and beliefs - and I have never been one to shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. After Joe died and I found his body, I found going to church was unbearable. Mass was overwhelming. My relationship with God became even more quiet, more reserved. It's not that I lost faith, I just didn't explore it further. I put up many walls during that time, and that including walling off my relationship with God. I've started thawing the walls of ice of that relationship, and I think it's another instance of being present and being observant in the moment.
I started doing a 7 day meditation program to continue training myself to be more "mindfully aware." I've gotten so good at putting on blinders and cramming my fingers in my ears, and I'm really trying to open my eyes, pull my fingers out of my ears, and gently submerge myself back into my own life.
Medically I'm pretty stable. The occasional dislocation, and an ache in my fused wrist that comes and goes. My health has been a little shaky since December 30, 2017 - when I started getting symptoms of the flu - and it's been a long road to feeling better. I suspect my prolonged recovery is entirely due to stress and emotional overload.
As far as relationships go, I'm in a really unique place. On the one hand my marriage is over. In truth, it ended years ago, perhaps before it ever got started... but I am living with my parents again after spending the last year in Minnesota. I am getting my affairs in order to file and proceed with divorce. It's going to be messy. It's going to be hard. But it needs to be done. I can't pretend or delay it any longer. I'm sure I will be chronicling the process here. Or somewhere. On the other hand I'm also teetering on the edge of something new and completely different. I'm struggling with trying to keep things in check (as to not rush into anything) and yet I feel overwhelmingly that I need to honor myself enough to live authentically, and be present in the here and now. I am learning so much about myself, and what a more healthy relationship could look like.
Financially I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm making just enough to pay my current responsibilities, but not enough to even consider moving out on my own. It's frustrating, but at the same time, there is a reason to stay grounded where I am at the moment, and I'm learning to trust the process, to trust that God's divine plan has put me exactly where I need to be in this moment, and I welcome it. I am taking the time to actually pause and observe, and not to just rush through and get to the next phase already.
Which brings me to faith. I have always been pretty private with my faith and beliefs - and I have never been one to shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. After Joe died and I found his body, I found going to church was unbearable. Mass was overwhelming. My relationship with God became even more quiet, more reserved. It's not that I lost faith, I just didn't explore it further. I put up many walls during that time, and that including walling off my relationship with God. I've started thawing the walls of ice of that relationship, and I think it's another instance of being present and being observant in the moment.
I started doing a 7 day meditation program to continue training myself to be more "mindfully aware." I've gotten so good at putting on blinders and cramming my fingers in my ears, and I'm really trying to open my eyes, pull my fingers out of my ears, and gently submerge myself back into my own life.
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