Pity Party, Table for One Please

I used to be passionate about 4 main things in life:

1) Eating tasty food
2) Massage (giving, not receiving)
3) Sex
4) Horses

As of today, I can manage only 1/2 of one of those 4 things. Last night I dislocated my jaw. I won't get into specifics, as this isn't that kind of blog, but yeah, jaw is a wreck today because of it. If I wasn't feeling lost before, well I definitely am now!! I was once a very sexual being - I like sex (who doesn't???) and I used to be really good at it. Now I just feel broken and useless. My "usefulness" as a woman is being stripped from me, and that is heart breaking. I have been told not to have any more children for fear of either myself or the child not making it out unscathed (or alive) in the end... To have that taken away was a very hard blow. But now, to have the fun part taken away piece by piece too??

Is this a lesson, God? Are you trying to teach me to let go of control? Am I supposed to be like  Job and lose everything I have and am to prove my faithfulness to you?? Or is this something else? A not so gentle shove in my life path of which direction I am supposed to go? If that's the case, Lord, could you take the blinders off first so I can see where I'm headed, as right now it just feels like I'm being shoved off a cliff...

Asking For Help

I've never been very good at asking for help. Ever. It's just not something I'm comfortable with - which I know is just one of those ridiculous mental flaws that I have.

But now that I literally am having a hard time doing what used to be normal everyday activities, I'm finding that I can't do things alone. As much as I think I should be able to...

So today I am single parent as hubby is off in California for the weekend being a good sport. Long story - not worth explaining. It just so happens that I have just about zero food in the house and need to head to the grocery store. With both kids in tow. AND I'm having a wicked pain day today after washing ALL the dishes yesterday by myself. So I asked a buddy yesterday if he could help today. Yeah, sure, no problem. Well turns out today that he is spending the day with the new girlfriend, so he won't be available to help until after 5pm. I was hoping to be starting dinner by then... So I told him no worries, I'll ask around.

Asked newest buddy and she is repainting a room in her house today, so she won't be available. Wanted to ask super bestie, but she just got home from a work trip herself and it was her first time away from her little baby. I don't want to intrude and bug her - especially because I think she might be at work today anyways.

Now I know beggers can't be choosers, so if I want someone to help me, I really need to be flexible to their schedules. Only... it's not just me - I have my little peoples schedules to tap dance around too.

I just hate feeling rejected when I already feel low. I know it's not intentional, but yeah... This is why I don't ask for help. The rare times I do ask I try to ask in advance, then when the person I was counting on bails, I'm screwed trying to find a replacement last minute. And then I end up having to take care of shit by myself anyways. So why bother asking in the first place?

Maybe I'll call my dad. See if he can at least meet me at the house after I get home to help bring the groceries in. Or my brother...

(sigh)

I Think I Need Help

Today has been really hard. Every once in a while I'll get smacked with the idea that what I am going through isn't going away. It isn't going to "get all better." THIS is how my life is going to be.

How the hell am I supposed to cope with "this?" Granted, "this" isn't exactly new. I've been dealing with "this" nearly my whole life. But it just seems that "this" has gotten SOOO much worse in the past year. I mean really - who the hell dislocates their hand/forearm taking towels out of the drier? Who the hell tears muscle by simply being, or sneezing? Me. I do. And it's only going to get worse???

Today's depression tailspin is brought to you by a former massage client of mine. I haven't seen her in a year, and she came into the office today looking for me. She wanted to book a massage with me, and book one for her daughter and I had to inform her of my change in career.

Broke my fucking heart.

What's worse? SHE burst into tears and lamented that she could never go to another therapist - that she didn't want anyone else. God damn that was painful to hear. Amazingly validating that I did good work as a massage therapist, stab in my heart that "this" took it away from me.

I mentioned my blah-dom to my physical therapist and she gave me the name and number to her psychologist and the therapist that she sees. She strongly recommended I call them. She said that she probably understands better than anyone what this chronic illness/syndrome can do to ones mental state, and she really wants me to call them and see them before I really start to get antsy. I think I'll take her up on it.

Somethings gotta give. :-/

Getting Something Together... Pantry (pt 1)

I've been feeling exceptionally depressed lately, so I haven't had much to say. But this morning I got it in my head that I would make a dent in the pantry so I can make a dent in the kitchen.

First item I felt like tackling was all of our spices.

We had a MILLION it seems, and I had an ancient spice rack in the back of the pantry, bottom shelf - completely inconvenient to get to and annoying. Well, no more. I pulled *most* of my spice and herb bottles out and gave them a good once over: what is still good, which are 7 years old...

Here's a pic of all the bottles I pulled out of the pantry:

That's 35 bottles!! 35 bottles that were being under utilized, ignored, or otherwise just taking up space. And kindly ignore the basket of laundry... I'm working on getting that all straightened up too. Another post on that some other time...

Here are the bottles that are going back into the pantry:

11 containers going back into the pantry. That's IT.

So here are the containers that are NOT going back into the pantry:



So I'm sure you're wondering... "Did she really only have 11 herbs/spices that were salvageable out of 35?? Really??" The short answer is: No, that is not quite the case.

So where did all of my herbs and spices go? Why, on the walls, of course!

The 5 spices I use most often are over by the stove for convenience, tho if I plan on making something, I can swap out for whatever the recipe calls for, and put my "ol' faithfuls" back with their friends.

Here's the other 20 herbs/spices that I had in the cabinet that were still good. But now they are in cute little tins that I bought at Michael's on sale (tin wedding favors) and some magnetic tape. Viola!!

I know it's not as tidy as something you'd find on pinterest... but that is exactly where I got the idea from. Should I have measured out my lines first? Yeah, probably... but it's not like I won't ever be able to move things around should I wish. And that new label maker I just bought? I think it just earned it's keep. :) Everything is labeled so nicely!!

***EDIT***
Ok, the lack of uniformity was pissing me off. And my husband managed to take one off and spill cajun seasoning all over the world, apparently... So I reapplied the magnetic tape and tacked it into place with brad nails. That puppy isn't going ANYWHERE. And it looks amazingly neater:

OMG, MUCH better!! 

Getting Something Together... Bathroom (part 1)

I'm on a roll today. I went out and bought organizational goodies for the kitchen, then mosied on over to Lowes to see if there was anything there I could use/be inspired by.

BIG MISTAKE. I should not be allowed in that store without adult supervision.

Instead of getting additional kitchen organizational goodies, I ended up buying paint. For my bathroom. Totally wasn't on the radar for an overhaul. But I saw a post on pinterest and kinda lost my mind. So I painted the vanity this afternoon. I will also be painting the walls, the other cabinets, and the tile. The bathroom will be very different when I'm done.

Getting Something Together... Linen Closet

My body isn't the only thing falling apart. So is my household. Since I am a control freak (I try not to be, really I do...) I need to take control of something. And as my own body seems to be on the fritz (confirmed new tear in lower abs. Joy.) I've decided to try to focus on the things I actually can change.

Like my house.

Currently it's trashed. Mind you, I do kinda live with a hoarder, and I am not the cleanest person in the world either. But it's bad. Like HELL NO company can't come in should they show up. So last friday I attacked the top half of the linen closet. I wanted to start small. Pace myself.

Here was before:

Our linen closet is the catch-all for paper products, cleaning supplies, first aid randomness, and a whole slew of other things. I had been cruising around on pinterest, looking for inspiration, and saw a pin on converting old diaper boxes into storage. That pin was pretty hardcore - covering the boxes with black fabric, then lining the interior with another fabric bag.

Yeah, um, waaaay too involved. I don't want to buy yards and yards of fabric. I do, however, have a HUGE roll of heavy duty brown paper. I covered 3 boxes with the brown paper and used those. I took everythng out of the linen closet and put them into piles based on what they were for. I had the big wicker basket in there already, so I was able to reuse it. Cleaning supplies went in there. I also have containers for bathroom supplies, hair supplies and paper products. It looks soooo much better.

 

After an overhaul and organization:

 

 

I threw out a LOT of stuff. Random empty containers, expired products, etc. I'm feeling pretty good about it.

 

Next hurdle... Attacking the kitchen. I went through and took all my "before" pictures. And I didn't even do a prelimenary clean out to make it cleaner... Nope, it's true, its raw, its filthy!! 

Ka-CHOO!

One of my kids favorite Dr Seuss books is All Because A Little Bug Went Ka-Choo. Its a whimsical story about how a tiny little bug sneezed and ultimately sets off a Rube Goldberg of catastrophe in a nearby city. One of the last pages shows a parade and a circus colliding downtown, animals and instruments everywhere. This usually illicits hysterics from the small boy - he does love silliness.

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, yesterday I went to Michael's with the fam to pick up a family craft for the afternoon. As we were checking out, I sneezed. Ka-Choo! It wasn't a very big sneeze, in fact, quite puny on the sneeze scale - but here's the thing. I hold my sneezes in. I've been told for years I'm going to hurt myself doing that.

They were right.

During said sneeze, I felt a pop... in my abdomen. My PT checked it out this morning and thinks I may have just ripped my diastasis more, but she wants me to get it checked out. So I'm going in to see my PCP this afternoon to have her mash on my tummy, to make sure I haven't created a new hernia (I already have a small umbilical hernia). From there she will be able to make a recommendation where to go next.

It REALLY hurt after I did it. To the point it doubled me over in line... and I couldn't get upright right away. I've had lingering pain that spikes when I sit up, or engage my abdominals. I also have this lingering feeling of "gotta pee" in my lower abdomen, so I may have just strained one of the ligaments that supports my bladder. I've had no issues with urination, or holding my urine, so that is fabulous! Just one more weird thing to tack on the list of bizarre-o happenings that my rheum claims is unrelated.

We shall see what the PCP says.

Fingers crossed for a strain and no more surgery!!