And now, for something completely different...

I've been playing in nail polish. Pretty pleased with the outcome. China Glaze in Recycle as base, Liquid Leather as tip. Pinstripe in silver.

Angry...

I've been in a pretty piss-poor mood lately. Mostly due to money woes, but also other things getting on my nerves. And in a time when words fail me, music comes to my aid.

I know I've been on a Mumford & Sons kick lately, but another song has me completely enraptured. Mostly because the sheer frustration/anger/fury is so passionately flung from their lips and instruments. I just want to crank up the volume, throw back my head and scream...

Broken Crown

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home, safe and tucked away
You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

The pull on my flesh was just too strong
It stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I open my body I breathe a lie

I will not speak of your sin
There was a way out for him
The mirror shows not
Your values are all shot

But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight our choices seal our fate

This song speaks to me. I've made "bad" choices, I've sinned, my values are all shot... I took the road and I fucked it all away.

Not just the lyrics, but the instrumental is amazing as well. Such an obvious outpouring of hurt and anger...

Another Year Gone By...

Yesterday was my birthday. I haven't decided yet how I feel about it. On the one hand, its no big deal - just another day passing. On the other, it's my one day of "recognition" from my family/friends... and it was a text message kind of year. I'm not complaining... I appreciate being remembered at all. I just miss hearing peoples voices I guess...

I guess if I'm honest I'm feeling pretty low again. Getting sick totally took the wind out of my training sails and I have done almost nothing this week. Tho I did go to Belle Isle with the kids yesterday. They were pretty much grumps, so I didn't get to fully enjoy myself. (sigh) Oh well. At least I was out of the house and in the sunshine for a little bit.

Dinner was good. I ate entirely too much, but it was so yummy.

Disappointed that I'm still sick and have to cancel my plans for tonight... and probably my plans for tomorrow too.

Just another day passing...

Training Has Begun

Having a compromised immune system in addition to everything else is a bunch of bull, if you ask me. Apparently I had forgotten that it's not just my muscles and joints that I have to be mindful of while training up ye 'ol body to do the 3-day... Apparently some internal organs are out of shape too. I already knew my heart was a little on the fritz, but I forgot my lungs would be working out too.

I have some kind of bronchial flare-up at the moment, and it's pissing me off. I've never had asthma before, so I'm not sure it's that... but I just keep coughing and can't seem to take a deep breath.

I love that I get one part of my body slightly under control (I use the term "slightly" loosely - I've managed to roll my ankle twice and popped my knee out Saturday night) and another part goes boink. But I'm going to try really really hard not to get discouraged and frustrated and beat myself up over something I can't control. All I can do is keep on keeping on.

I stumbled upon a quote from Gilda Radner that I'm trying to keep as my focus...

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."

I've never been a fan of ambiguity. I like plans... structure... But lately I've been digging the idea of just letting it all go. Of just letting myself LET GO and just BE for a little while. We've talked about it in therapy, about me going away for the weekend and just "being" without anyone to bother me - to let me just have some time to regroup, refocus...

I want it. I want the space, the lack of responsibility other than for my immediate person, a chance to just rest and figure this shit out.