Don't Panic

I got my mammogram results via email. 

They found something. 

Now, to be fair, I do have "dense tissue" which has been the norm for the last 10 years. But they noted a 6mm focal asymmetry. They want me to return for additional imaging, and I will head in as soon as they have availability. 

I thought about not telling anyone, but I don't want to hide my vulnerability to protect anyone else. So I told my best friend, mentioned it to my children's father (due to kid coverage for additional appointments), and I told J. After a brief research on Google, I found reassurance that it literally could be nothing! 

I'm trying to keep with the notion of not panicking until they give me something to panic about. Of course my brain tries to run off with the notion of being a burden, inventing fears that J won't be interested in continuing a relationship, and that D will figure out some other way to stall the divorce, citing medical reasons or something. But then I take a deep breath and I draw calm and strength from the notion that I am not alone. I am loved. I am supported. I have my people and that is enough. 

No Progress

 I am starting to wonder if D is in cahoots with the county clerk. My divorce proceedings have hit an utter gridlock, even though legally D has defaulted his position to participate. Our first settlement hearing was November 4th. According to my counsel, the clerk was supposed to file our scheduling order within 24 hours. 

That didn't happen. I decided to be patient and wait. The courts are backed up.

3.5 weeks later and still nothing. I reached out to my counsel again to ask if I missed something. She says she'll contact the court. A couple hours later, she texts that she talked to the clerk, and they stated it would be filed either that afternoon or the next day. 

This was 2 days ago and still nothing. I don't want to reach out AGAIN as it's costing me money, but what the fuck is going on?? Where the hell is my scheduling order? All they were doing was assigning a mediator and scheduling our next court date... this was supposed to be filed A MONTH AGO. So now my divorce it delayed even more, and I can't help but suspect that someone it trying to pull a fast one to "help D out." Maybe his connections with the court system mean something afterall.

Home stretch. This was supposed to be the home stretch and I'm feeling trapped halfway through. I'm so frustrated with the tiptoeing and pretending.

Thanksgiving was spent at my parents. My mother invited D, so he got his wish of "all of us together as a family." It was quite awkward for me, but my mother decided to be a physical buffer and sat between D and I. Thank God for small favors! Shortly before the get together, my dad fires off a list of "valuables" that he wants us kids to place dibs on, to be added to the wills. While he wants to make things less stressful when they die, in reality it's just awkward and more stress inducing. I'm already trying to grapple with household inventories and what I want... now I have 2 additional households to consider? All while not having a solid idea of where I'm going to live once the divorce is final! My intention is to move in with J, but that won't be immediate. I want to live with him, but Im also a little nervous, as we haven't had the "manage expectations/who's doing what" talk. That will happen eventually, but my nervousness comes from being an outsider infringing on HIS space. I want it to feel like "our" space. 

I know, my own mental block on that one, but I haven't really allowed myself the freedom to fully process What Happens Next, while my Present Tense is at a standstill. 

Moving Along... Slowly

 Well, here we are in November. Not much has changed on the divorce front. D continues to ignore any legal proceedings, I continue to get everything done that my lawyer requests. It really does feel like the ultimate group project that you just KNEW from the beginning you'd be stuck doing a majority of the legwork over. He refused to complete court ordered documents... and told my lawyer that he does not think a divorce is in anyones best interest. He also told my lawyer that he was offended that she addressed him with "Good Morning" in an email... He doesn't even realize that he is digging himself into the ground. Judges do NOT like having their time wasted... and he is definitely wasting everyone's time. 

My goal was to keep things amicable - to try to come to some kind of compromise over parenting time and cost of living and all of it. He has no idea that by refusing to work with me on this, he's ultimately leaving everything up to me... which... isn't surprising given the track record. I'm the one to submit all the requested documents and statements. I'm the one who attended the co-parenting class mandated by the Friend of the Court... TWICE. I'm also the one who figured out a way to save up to pay a lawyer... All of the adulting has landed firmly on my shoulders, so why on earth would I even think for a second it would be any different through these proceedings? I'm feeling pretty foolish right now. 

Thanksgiving makes me want to hurl. It used to be my favorite holiday, but this year D is making the emphasis of it all about "our family" and "being together as a family" and just going over the top with his bullshit. In years passed we agreed to alternate years - traditional vs going out for Italian with his family. He decided all on his own that since "Thanksgiving is your favorite holiday, we should do it your way." I'm sorry, but since WHEN has doing anything "my way" ever been a consideration?? Oh that's right, after I've already filed for divorce. THAT's when my families traditions become even remotely important. Right. Got it. 

Since I made the unilateral decision to file for divorce, he has made the unilateral decision how we will be spending Thanksgiving... Or so he thinks anyways. We will see how the next couple weeks pan out. 

A List of Why

 In navigating the divorce proceedings, it is becoming harder and harder to cling to the notion of "its just not working out." He wants reasons. He wants answers. He wants a list of "why."

Why won't I work on us? Why won't I try? Why am I willing to throw away 17 years of "bliss" over something as small as "being unhappy?" How dare I be so selfish to make him and the kids unhappy too, just because I'm not happy. And yes, he literally said that. How far back should I go with this list? I've been trying to keep things amicable, but the more he pushes my boundaries, the more I just want to start writing down the list of times I felt used, unappreciated, unheard, and generally ignored. That his interest in fantasy outweighed his interest in reality with me long ago. 

How do I tell him that the reasons "why" don't even matter anymore? I'm beyond done and there really isn't anything he could ever say or do to fix it. I don't love him. Haven't for years and years. Possibly never. I've also lost respect for him, and the constant hand holding through every adulting circumstance is exhausting. I'm not his mother... he still mooches off the one he has! 

I'm so tired. However, November will be here before I know it. 

Divorce

I filed for divorce last week. I saved up and paid a lawyer for her retainer to make sure I am protected. 

I told Doug. He was furious and is now in denial and refuses to sign the acknowledgment. If this continues, I will be forced to have him served at work, which I was trying to avoid. I wanted to spare him the embarrassment, but if he refuses to acknowledge, I will have to use a firmer hand. 

It's been tense and awkward at moments, then he will try to put his hands inside my clothes to touch me as I'm attempting to sleep at night. It's so uncomfortable and he pouts at my repeated denial of his advances. I FILED FOR DIVORCE, AND HE STILL DOESNT RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES. It makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't want to stay here another minute.

I may need to reexamine my strategy and stop staying here at night completely. 

This is a Safe Space

 I had a breakthrough. It was overwhelming and big and hard... and it was exactly what I needed in that moment. 

I was curled up with J and mentally hemmed and hawed about whether I should ask for something that had been on my mind. I finally spit it out. He was thoughtful and kind with his response, and I struggled to hold back tears. "Are you okay?" I said no, burst into tears and explained that I've been wanting to ask for 2 years, but was so afraid of rejection that I just kept quiet. He held me so gently yet firmly as I sobbed. He pet my hair, nuzzled his face into my neck, and whispered "it's okay... this is a safe space." As if I wasn't already in tears, haha. 

There are times I get so overwhelmed with anger, that I let B warp my self esteem to the point that he did. That I played into his narrative that I was unworthy, that he would wield rejection like a slap to the face often enough that I STILL mentally and physically flinch when I sense it coming. There's no way around it... it was abuse. I'm still feeling the aftershocks to this day, but Holy shit.... 

I have a safe space. 

Genuine. Calm. Whole hearted. Compassionate. 

Safe.

A Few Fears

 So... my ability to walk has been greatly impacted this week. I am 99% sure that I have torn my meniscus, but to what extent, I'm not sure. I've been downplaying the extent of the severity, mostly to avoid dealing with some pretty grim emotions, and that old creeping fear of being a burden is starting to get louder and louder. Earlier today I was asked if I was ready to write...

"The short answer is no. I'm not ready to write. There's a can. I acknowledge the can. There's worms in it. I acknowledge the worms. They can stay in there a hot second."

I guess technically it's been a hot second, so I can take a peek in that can of worms.

In this moment I feel dread. People are going to ask questions. People ALWAYS ask questions. Friends and family? Ask away! Strangers on the street or patients at my job? We are NOT close, and you are not entitled to my medical history! But they will ask and if I bother giving them a smidge of info, the pity looks start. The "you're too young," the "but you don't look sick," the unsolicited diet advice and the "have you tried vegan or gluten-free or dairy free or intermittent fasting? You really should lose weight," or the good old "have you tried yoga?" I get that people want to offer solutions to things they view as a problem. Their hearts are in the right place and they want to feel helpful in a situation that to them seems hopeless. I *always* try to answer with a grateful "thank you for the idea!" even when I immediately file it in the trash can of unsolicited advice in my brain. Sometimes I want to absolutely flip the fuck out and scream "Why yes, Susan, I am familiar with yoga! I used to love it! But now that my wrist is fused from my fucking hand falling off, I can't even do downward facing dog without discomfort or modification and the prospect of having to lose yet another thing I once found joy in physically is just too overwhelming at the moment, so kindly go fuck yourself!" But I'm pretty sure I'd get fired for that. Instead I grit my teeth, smile, and say "thank you." 

I didn't tell my mom that I had injured my knee. She's on vacation, and I didn't want to bother her, or make her worry while she's supposed to be enjoying herself. I made a post on IG, and my sister asked her what I did. Her response was "I'm on vacation, you know I am the LAST person Mer would call if she was hurt. She was probably waiting to tell me until I got home." Correct. 

I also tried to downplay it to my coworker, as she has a scheduled vacation this week that I didn't want her to worry about. But last night I couldn't walk. I practically had to crawl to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. In that moment I felt excruciating pain, embarrassment, fear, and dread. The physical pain is better, but the fear is gripping pretty tight.

I'm afraid of being cut open again. My body is peppered with various surgical scars, and I don't want to add any more. I'm also afraid of anesthesia... its harder to knock me out and bring me back up at this point. I don't want a standard arthroscopy to be the thing to take me out. I'm afraid of what kind of delay this will potentially make in my filing. I'm scared of being apart from J for any extended period of time - not for fear of him leaving me, but because he is SUCH a comfort and support for me. I'm worried that a recovery period will land me out of a job. I'm worried that this is yet another wakeup call that I can't sustain a regular job anyways. 

I'm glad I can spit out my concerns and dreads here. There's more in there, but I'm emotionally fatigued just from draining this little bit. I'm sure I'll have more to say soon.