This is a Safe Space

 I had a breakthrough. It was overwhelming and big and hard... and it was exactly what I needed in that moment. 

I was curled up with J and mentally hemmed and hawed about whether I should ask for something that had been on my mind. I finally spit it out. He was thoughtful and kind with his response, and I struggled to hold back tears. "Are you okay?" I said no, burst into tears and explained that I've been wanting to ask for 2 years, but was so afraid of rejection that I just kept quiet. He held me so gently yet firmly as I sobbed. He pet my hair, nuzzled his face into my neck, and whispered "it's okay... this is a safe space." As if I wasn't already in tears, haha. 

There are times I get so overwhelmed with anger, that I let B warp my self esteem to the point that he did. That I played into his narrative that I was unworthy, that he would wield rejection like a slap to the face often enough that I STILL mentally and physically flinch when I sense it coming. There's no way around it... it was abuse. I'm still feeling the aftershocks to this day, but Holy shit.... 

I have a safe space. 

Genuine. Calm. Whole hearted. Compassionate. 

Safe.