David

It was a year ago on my birthday when I saw you last. You were in attendance at my sister in laws funeral for her father. Worlds collided after many years apart when we realized that you were best friends with my sisters baby brother. We joked about high school memories. We laughed about awkward crushes, the "pretzel position," and a slew of other memories. We exchanged numbers and agreed to get dinner sometime. Fast forward one year and you wished me a happy belated birthday April 6th.

I wonder if you already had made your mind up at that point that you would take your own life the next night?

I will miss your infectious smile, your nervous and slightly awkward laugh, the way you'd stand ever so slightly too close when we talked. I will miss it all, my friend.

I'm sorry you were hurting and alone and took your own life.

Damn, Dave.

May you be at peace.

Stop Apologizing...

A Year

It's amazing what can change and what can stay the same in a years time. A year ago I held space of witness as my beautiful and kind sister in law lost and buried her father. I held space and bore witness to a friend just beginning his journey of healing his own heart. A year ago I was holding my breath, afraid that I might lose my own father.

This year I spent the 4th with many of the same people, my family, my sister in law, my father, and the feeling was very different. We all felt genuinely grateful to be together for my birthday. Glad that we were all together.

There were a few people who were once important to me that probably dont even realize that it was my birthday. Those people no longer matter. The people who DO matter thought of me, reached out, and were there to celebrate another passing year of life. MY life.

39. Big changes are in store for this year.

Hold on to your butts.

Priorities

For many of us, an average day feels like a scramble of urgent tasks. Its the buzz of an incoming text and the flash of a fresh email. And it feels satisfying to complete these timely to-dos. But as we tend to the seemingly urgent, there's a danger that we neglect the deeply important. And there's a crucial distinction to understand. Often what feels urgent is actually unimportant, it just feels important. Imagine for a moment your phone ringing. The vibration. The ring tone. The caller ID. But instead of picking up, imagine letting the call go to voicemail. How does it feel to sit with it? You might notice an anxiousness in your chest. We're used to picking up calls because they feel urgent. But if we really think about it, an incoming call can usually wait. In an ideal world, we would get to everything... but it's impossible. So how can we let go of what feels urgent, and make room for whats actually important? Well, in the words of Stephen Covey, "The key is not to prioritize whats on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities." So the first step is to get clear on whats important. Try making a list of whats of higher, deeper importance to you. Maybe is working on that book project, spending time with family, or the self-care of diet, exercise, and rest. And with our priorities defined, when we're pulled towards a request or email, the second step is to take a second to pause and ponder "can this wait?" Would acting on this task serve my deeper priorities? As we give more care to our priorities, we get better and devoting time to the truly important undertakings in life. It's never easy, but with discipline, we can take back our time. 

It's been a strange couple weeks. I've tackled some emotional hurdles, let go of some "moments that are not ours to keep," started another new job, and have really redirected my focus on my codependency steps. I've started my second workbook and have been reading it on my lunch breaks at the new job.

The new position is complicated, but I'm catching on to the scope of our line of business fairly quickly, and I suspect my position will expand quite quickly. They have already determined that they would like me to manage an entire database and get it up and running. So I must be doing something right 5 days into the new job!

I took a little trip this past weekend back to MN. It wasn't quite how I expected... I was anxious and nervous, on edge, and pretty terrified of running into certain individuals who I had no intention of ever seeing again. I didn't see them. I was relieved. I had a lovely time otherwise, but it was overwhelming; all the old memories flooding me. On the one hand, I felt vulnerable and stupid... on the other, I felt a sense of pride in overcoming some old fears.

I love MN, but I'm not sure I'll ever return.

It no longer feels like home.

So now it's time to take a look over my priorities. What are they? What do they look like? It's about that time of year again - Time to do a little spring cleaning of the soul.

Stories

We have these engraved stories about who we are. Some of them are positive stories, others not so much. These stories can go way back into our past and are often formed by a parent, a friend, a boss or colleague. Sometimes all it takes is one persons opinion to create a story that can last a lifetime. Someone says something that makes us decide we're not smart, that we're unattractive, that we're weak, that we're a failure. From the moment that story begins, it continues to dictate our beliefs. It forms and limits our ideas about who we are, what we're good at, and what we're not. The stories we tell ourselves inform us of what risks we should and shouldn't take. If these beliefs make us feel self critical, insecure, or doubtful about our competency, we often second guess ourselves and lose self trust and courage. Sometimes we need to change our stories, and that starts by challenging them. We can do this with some reflective inquiry. We can ask, who created that story? When was it created? Is it entirely true? Does that story serve us to sustain? If not, can we let it go? And slowly, over time, we begin to tell ourselves new stories. Fresh stories that build our confidence in growth. Stories that are empowering and will provide us the opportunity to be the best version of ourselves. As Maryann Williamson said, "Let go of your story, so the universe can write a new one for you." Take a moment now to consider what stories you've been carrying and are ready to release. 

Tamara Levitt - Daily Calm

A New Response

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace

I was trying to decide how I've been feeling the last 24 hours or so. I'm not feeling what I anticipated I would, and it's a new sensation for me.

The week of February 22 typically is an emotionally shut down one for me, as I remember the day that Joe died and offer silent prayers to his surviving family and friends. This year feels different. His roommate put up a Facebook charitable event for his birthday (also the 22nd), donations going towards the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I would have donated anonymously if I could, but I at least changed the settings so only myself and the roommate could see it. It's not a donation I'm ready to make publicly, but it's a charity I wasn't emotionally ready to support before now. But I did so, and it felt good to honor Joe's memory (and his roommates birthday) by helping others to choose a different path.

A couple hours later another ghost of my past crept out of the woodwork, letting me know that his mother had just passed away by suicide. Oddly enough, I wasn't surprised or shocked by this news. I had a feeling for a long time this was coming, but I offered my condolences just the same, as losing a parent is never a minor thing, and losing someone you love to suicide adds a whole other level of complicated feelings. In the past my reaction would have been to be triggered. To tailspin in my own grief, yet saying nothing, and going above and beyond to try to help this person from my past.

But I didn't.

I said my condolences and I let it be.

I didn't obsessively look for obituaries, stalk social media for whether or not he was lying (which was usually the case in the past), or offer to meet him to talk. I said I was sorry for his loss, which I am, and I let it go. All the rest of it isn't any of my business. This is a different approach for me, and I'm thankful for it.

I feel... Okay.

It's now a time to reflect on everything I've learned and overcome, and I do so without panic, anxiety, or overwhelming negativity. I will not say that I am finally "over it," but my reflections on the matter have changed. I feel more comfortable with talking about it. I feel more at ease with acknowledging things as they arise, and then being able to let them go. There isn't a frantic urgency in my brain that makes me freeze, utterly paralyzed with fear.

In this present moment, I am standing in a different place than I was before. My perceptions are a little different. My reactions a little more thoughtful and a little less auto-reactionary/negative. I am practicing more self awareness and loving kindness.

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace

Change

Today in meditation I explored how the nature of change makes life impossible to predict. Everything is constantly in a forward momentum, and the only thing that determines whether it is fortuitous or unfortunate is my reaction.

I did get a little down last night, but this morning I woke with a renewed spirit of gratitude. I am so lucky to have 2 places that need my help in this present moment that are willing to pay me for my time. So I am shifting my focus a bit on who I'm helping when, but I'm still going to help both. This will help my financial situation tremendously. Perhaps it is "unfortunate" that both positions are short term, but on the other hand, this might end up being a complete blessing too. It is too soon to make that sort of judgement, and quite frankly I don't want to extend any more negative energy on it.

The bad news is nothing lasts forever. 

 
The good news is nothing lasts forever. 

I'm getting more and more comfortable with the impermanence of... well... everything. I somehow seem to get thrown curve balls a lot, but I'm getting better at thoughtfully stepping out of the way of them, rather than getting drilled when I "didn't see it coming" and then bitching and complaining about my misfortune and pain for a great while after.

My interest in self sabotage and hurt is dwindling. Now THAT is something I can recognize with certainty as fortuitous!