Hurt

I'm having a hard time. A couple days ago I spent the night on the exes couch, as he had made plans to go out late. I agreed. In the morning when he woke up and came downstairs, he thought he would try to cuddle or something and sat on the couch next to me... right on my fused wrist. I yelled as it crunched and I involuntarily kneed him. Yesterday I was walking across some grass and slipped, dislocated my surgery knee. It hurt. Bad.

I'm covered in bruises and swollen injured joints and just feel broken.

I'm in a flare and my body is failing left and right. I cant pretend it doesnt hurt anymore. My whole body hurts.

I feel like a burden. A twisted, dysfunctional lump of unworthiness.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

Healing

Our being has a tendency towards wholeness and health. If you fall and scrape your knee, your body will heal itself. But first we have to clean the wound, and get all the dirt out, so our body can properly repair. In a similar way, our consciousness wants to heal itself, but it has a tendency to be overactive. Like dirt in a wound, the active mind prevents us from healing and coming into our wholeness. When we meditate and quiet our mind, and see things objectively, we begin the process of untangling our thoughts and cleaning our mental space so our psyche can begin it's healing process. As Rachel Naomi Remen once stated, "Silence is a place of great power and healing." So look to your practice as a restorative place, where you can start to heal wounds, new and old. Get silent, go within, and let the body and mind repair. 

I'm beginning to really understand how much healing can take place within silence. Often, I hide from it. This week I'm learning to embrace it. Rather than fussing and fretting about what everyone else is thinking or feeling, I'm focusing a little more inward, and pondering more on what I'm thinking and feeling! Crazy, I know! Now that I've identified some pretty toxic behaviors I subject myself too, I'm working on breaking away from those behaviors. Stepping away from the need to put myself down. Setting down the angry rocks labeled "abandonment" or "betrayal" that I have been hurling at phantom figures in my mind. Those figures just swirl away into mist as my stones wiz through them, simply a mirage. I'm expending energy STILL on being upset, angry, and hurt... and for what? It doesn't make me feel better. 

"It hurts because it mattered..."

Well I wish it didn't matter so much. I want to just let it all go. Release the negativity into the universe and have it fucking stay out there!! But that isn't really healing then, is it... I have to scrub the wound clean before it can really begin to heal. I've been stuck in the swearing because it fucking hurts phase long enough. Swearing and being mad and flailing around and poking at it doesn't heal the wound. Scrubbing it out, giving it time, and not fucking picking at it is what heals the wound. 

I have the rest of my life to look forward to. I'm not going to let a few minor setbacks derail my progress. I am the master of my fate.

And it's going to be incredible. 

Autoreactivity

Imagine for a moment, you've traveled up north for a family reunion. As you mingle with distant relatives you haven't seen in years, you're on your best behavior. Interactions are warm and polite. There may be awkwardness, annoyances, or differences in politics, but everyone keeps the conversation cordial. But it's a different story on the 3 hour car ride home with your partner of many years. Each of you can trigger the other into irritation or anger with the slightest thing. Perhaps their tendency to switch the radio station frequently or a habit of singing loudly and off key. In our closest and dearest relationships our patience dwindles, our reactivity heightens, and our worse behaviors come out. When our sibling or best friend pushes the wrong button, whether intentionally or not, we often react without thinking. We become defensive, impatient, or angry, and snarl back with a curt remark or a fuming email. And it can happen so fast it doesn't even feel like there was a millisecond to consider our reaction. Perhaps they'll forgive us, but if we keep this us, we risk damaging the relationship. Through mindfulness, in essence, we're training the brain to be less reactive. We're learning to become aware of our emotional responses and then to regulate them. So when we're triggered and about to react, there is an opportunity to tap into our practice. We can slow our breath, calm our simmering emotions, and find a more peaceful state from which to respond. As Ariana Huppington said, "We have little power to choose what happens, but we have complete power over how we respond." At first we might create only a sliver of a space between our trigger and our reaction, but over time this sliver becomes a crack, and then and inch, and then a space wide enough to stand. And from this space our response is calm, thoughtful, and wise. 

I've been avoiding writing. I've been avoiding thinking and feeling and grieving and growing. I've been avoiding holding myself accountable. I have been a listening ear, a coach, a support, to those around me, and I have been avoiding taking care of myself. It has been a relapse of sorts, but more so a surrender into my current state of depression. I have so many options ahead of me, and breaking free of my codependency means having to make those decisions for myself. It's a little daunting to be back in this space again, but I feel more comfortable this time around. More aware. More accepting. Its time to refocus on responding to my life from a place of calm. Releasing the chaos and negative autoreactivity...

Up to something

"That One Has Value"

My job is wrapping up. Last day is slated for the 31st. Of course there has been no clear communication from corporate about anything, so I'm just packing up the clinic like I have done for 2 previous clinics. It's pretty draining telling people we are closed, explaining we have to transfer care, and no I don't have a job over and over and over. I'm tired. Just... tired.

Today one of my favorite patients came in baring gifts of hugs and baklava. She was misty eyed and so gracious for the care that she received while she was our patient. As she was getting ready to leave I gave her a big hug. She turned to the director, holding back tears, and pointed to me. "That one... That one right there has value. Anyone who snaps her up will be so lucky to have her." I started to tear up. I couldn't help myself.

I have been working so hard to convince myself that I have value, that I am worthy, WITHOUT outside validation that I had been lacking... that to hear it without prompt, to hear it without my somehow trying to guilt or manipulate the words I've been dying to hear out of someone... It was offered freely and I didn't immediately question the motives or legitimacy of the compliment.

"That one has value."

It somehow felt very meaningful in recent moments of feeling like a failure.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my patterns. More like rituals that I have set for myself... that aren't exactly positive. I wake up and immediately check the blog of someone I once admired. I mentioned this a few posts ago. What I'm looking for, I'm not really sure. Seeing how he's doing? Searching for some kind of twisted validation that I even existed in their world? That I mattered? It isn't there. I don't know why I continue to look. Then I check his girlfriends blog. Searching for clues as to how she's so much better than me. She isn't. In fact, we seem to be a lot alike. Then I scour the MN ex boyfriends social media, looking for updates of locations he's checked into with his new girlfriend. Places we used to go. Things we used to do. I've been replaced completely, and yet I search for some kind of validation that I mattered. Again, it isn't there. It won't be there. I need to let go of the daily ritual of invalidation. These men don't love me. Don't value me. Don't give two shits about what I am up to, what I am struggling with, what I am facing on a daily basis. I have ceased communication with both of them... and yet... and yet... I still look.

What purpose does looking serve?

It's my drug. I look because being abused and overlooked is my high. I look because every ounce of invalidation is equivalent to a hit for me. Somewhere along the line, my fucked up brain decided that I wasn't worthy, and every time someone proves it, that cruel inner voice takes a long drag on that feeling and sighs out a smarmy "I told you so..."

"That one has value."

It was like I could feel that dark inner voice cringe and shrink back, lessening it's hold on me for just a moment. I could let it soak in and take a little comfort that someone recognized me deep down in there, and wasn't afraid to say it out loud, unprompted, unscripted.

I have value... and I'm working on learning to say it out loud to myself.

More Transitions

The company I work for is closing. They let us all know we are out of a job with an extremely insensitive and ridiculously unprofessional email. An EMAIL.

October 31st. Didnt even give us a full 2 weeks notice. No severance. No nothing.

So ridiculous.

I'm no longer angry. I've transitioned into the helping of others. I'll fall apart about it later. Ive also been applying to jobs like gangbusters, so hopefully something comes up.

I am so lucky to have the support of my friends and family throughout this whole thing. I'm getting used to how quickly everything can change. In a heartbeat, it could all be gone.

So tell the people you love that you love them. Give your babies that last "I'm stalling" hug goodnight. Tell your family you appreciate them. Tell your friends you're grateful they are your people.

Do it.

Weird Place

I'm holding on to a lot of anger and resentment lately, and Im feeling exceptionally embarrassed because of it. That guy who broke up with me back in July and proclaimed publically that he was in a relationship on social media that same day? Yeah... I'm happy for him... but I'm also growing increasingly disgusted with myself for being so infatuated with him for any given period of time. He can say up, down, and every which way that he feels bad about how it went down, but I know that he doesn't. He doesnt regret the way he hurt me. He doesnt think twice about the obnoxious way he dismissed me so flippantly. He has his happy, and he doesnt give a single flying fuck about anyone he bulldozed over in his laser focus to get it. How do I know? Because he has said so himself. He regrets nothing.

Fine.

This all got kicked up because the MN ex reached out again. Hes happily in a relationship. Spending time with her grandchildren (yep) and getting his happily ever after too. So why reach out?

"I like having you in my life too." I joked and asked if he was looking for a side chick. "Seems to appear that way, haha "

Seems to appear that way... so he wants his cake and to eat it too. I can clearly see that he is scared to fully commit to this new relationship, as it will likely be his last, and he is doing the quick glance over his shoulder to see if I'm still there in case it falls apart.

What. The. Fuck.

This shouldn't bother me. I should just be able to roll my eyes, shrug, and let it go. But I'm so mad I dont know what to do. The first one I've already disconnected from. Social media and otherwise. Occasionally I read his blog, get furious, and make a hollow promise never to look at it again. The second, I need to let go of too. Stop trying to "be friends" to make them happy. HE fucked up, so why do I feel like I'm still the one trying to fix it, to give him what he wants? Codependency, that's why...

I told him I didnt think being friends was going to work. Too much history. Too many memories, good and bad. Too much damage and hurt that hasn't fully healed.

I feel like I'm failing. Failing my progress. Failing my family and friends. Failing the new guy I've been talking to. I'm such a fucking mess, hes a saint for listening to me ramble on, haha.

I'll do a meditation and feel better later this afternoon. I'm just alone with my thoughts at the moment, and this is what came out. It's not pretty, but I feel a little better for purging it out of my system.

Back to the books today.