"That One Has Value"

My job is wrapping up. Last day is slated for the 31st. Of course there has been no clear communication from corporate about anything, so I'm just packing up the clinic like I have done for 2 previous clinics. It's pretty draining telling people we are closed, explaining we have to transfer care, and no I don't have a job over and over and over. I'm tired. Just... tired.

Today one of my favorite patients came in baring gifts of hugs and baklava. She was misty eyed and so gracious for the care that she received while she was our patient. As she was getting ready to leave I gave her a big hug. She turned to the director, holding back tears, and pointed to me. "That one... That one right there has value. Anyone who snaps her up will be so lucky to have her." I started to tear up. I couldn't help myself.

I have been working so hard to convince myself that I have value, that I am worthy, WITHOUT outside validation that I had been lacking... that to hear it without prompt, to hear it without my somehow trying to guilt or manipulate the words I've been dying to hear out of someone... It was offered freely and I didn't immediately question the motives or legitimacy of the compliment.

"That one has value."

It somehow felt very meaningful in recent moments of feeling like a failure.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my patterns. More like rituals that I have set for myself... that aren't exactly positive. I wake up and immediately check the blog of someone I once admired. I mentioned this a few posts ago. What I'm looking for, I'm not really sure. Seeing how he's doing? Searching for some kind of twisted validation that I even existed in their world? That I mattered? It isn't there. I don't know why I continue to look. Then I check his girlfriends blog. Searching for clues as to how she's so much better than me. She isn't. In fact, we seem to be a lot alike. Then I scour the MN ex boyfriends social media, looking for updates of locations he's checked into with his new girlfriend. Places we used to go. Things we used to do. I've been replaced completely, and yet I search for some kind of validation that I mattered. Again, it isn't there. It won't be there. I need to let go of the daily ritual of invalidation. These men don't love me. Don't value me. Don't give two shits about what I am up to, what I am struggling with, what I am facing on a daily basis. I have ceased communication with both of them... and yet... and yet... I still look.

What purpose does looking serve?

It's my drug. I look because being abused and overlooked is my high. I look because every ounce of invalidation is equivalent to a hit for me. Somewhere along the line, my fucked up brain decided that I wasn't worthy, and every time someone proves it, that cruel inner voice takes a long drag on that feeling and sighs out a smarmy "I told you so..."

"That one has value."

It was like I could feel that dark inner voice cringe and shrink back, lessening it's hold on me for just a moment. I could let it soak in and take a little comfort that someone recognized me deep down in there, and wasn't afraid to say it out loud, unprompted, unscripted.

I have value... and I'm working on learning to say it out loud to myself.