Weird Place

I'm holding on to a lot of anger and resentment lately, and Im feeling exceptionally embarrassed because of it. That guy who broke up with me back in July and proclaimed publically that he was in a relationship on social media that same day? Yeah... I'm happy for him... but I'm also growing increasingly disgusted with myself for being so infatuated with him for any given period of time. He can say up, down, and every which way that he feels bad about how it went down, but I know that he doesn't. He doesnt regret the way he hurt me. He doesnt think twice about the obnoxious way he dismissed me so flippantly. He has his happy, and he doesnt give a single flying fuck about anyone he bulldozed over in his laser focus to get it. How do I know? Because he has said so himself. He regrets nothing.

Fine.

This all got kicked up because the MN ex reached out again. Hes happily in a relationship. Spending time with her grandchildren (yep) and getting his happily ever after too. So why reach out?

"I like having you in my life too." I joked and asked if he was looking for a side chick. "Seems to appear that way, haha "

Seems to appear that way... so he wants his cake and to eat it too. I can clearly see that he is scared to fully commit to this new relationship, as it will likely be his last, and he is doing the quick glance over his shoulder to see if I'm still there in case it falls apart.

What. The. Fuck.

This shouldn't bother me. I should just be able to roll my eyes, shrug, and let it go. But I'm so mad I dont know what to do. The first one I've already disconnected from. Social media and otherwise. Occasionally I read his blog, get furious, and make a hollow promise never to look at it again. The second, I need to let go of too. Stop trying to "be friends" to make them happy. HE fucked up, so why do I feel like I'm still the one trying to fix it, to give him what he wants? Codependency, that's why...

I told him I didnt think being friends was going to work. Too much history. Too many memories, good and bad. Too much damage and hurt that hasn't fully healed.

I feel like I'm failing. Failing my progress. Failing my family and friends. Failing the new guy I've been talking to. I'm such a fucking mess, hes a saint for listening to me ramble on, haha.

I'll do a meditation and feel better later this afternoon. I'm just alone with my thoughts at the moment, and this is what came out. It's not pretty, but I feel a little better for purging it out of my system.

Back to the books today.