Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Listening Without Judgement
I don't know a single person who does not struggle with Listening Without Judgement. Especially when listening to those we love and care about. And coming from a variety of codependent relationships in my life, it has made me acutely aware of when I am being judged. Especially during those often rare times what I open up to friends and family. But those times of opening up on my end are becoming more frequent, and my ability to cope with judgement (warranted and not) is also gaining strength.
My relationship with my mother felt crippling for such a long time. Her judgements of my thoughts and actions were always at the surface. "Why would you want to do that? That seems silly. You should do this instead. It will be better for you in the long run." So I would hide away my dreams and wishes, not wanting to be judged and told I was doing it "wrong." Little did I realize, but the "it" I was going about doing wrong in my mother's eyes was living my life on MY terms.
I have experienced this same type of judgement in some of my friendships too. I think they affect me in slightly more subtle ways, but it still gives me the sensation of "you're doing it wrong." The difference with it coming from anyone but my mother is that I'm not as offended by it. The advice offered and the concerns shared come from a place of love. They don't want to see me get hurt, and they want me to be successful in getting my shit together. Who doesn't want these things for the ones they love?
Today's meditation rang some internal alarms. That I too offer unsolicited advice at times when really, the person speaking just needs me to listen, to be present and witness what they are expressing in gentle observation. My internal voice labeling what I am hearing as good or bad is no longer listening... it has transformed into judgement.
"Observe what you are hearing with non-judgemental awareness. Listen without reaction."
I am by no means saying that I am simply dismissing my past (and present) mistakes and that I am not accountable for my actions. I absolutely am aware that some of my decisions have been questionable at best. I have been making an effort as of late to make decisions based on what feels right for me, and worrying less about how it will be interpreted by others.
"But isn't that a bad idea?"
This reminds me of an old story I once read in a book of Buddhist teachings. I don't recall the book or author or anything worth citing, other than the story itself.
There once was an old man who lived in a village. One day, his horse ran away. "Such bad fortune!" cried his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
The next day, his horse returned but brought along 2 wild horses with it. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Shortly after the horses returned, the man's son tried to ride one of the wild horses. He was thrown and broke his leg. "Such bad fortune!" cried the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Not long after that, the army marched into the village, recruiting all the young men to head off to war. Seeing the man's son walking with a crutch, they passed him over and moved on. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Maybe. We are never privy to knowing what is going to happen next, in the grand scheme of things. So to make the judgement of good or bad may be premature. We can follow our instincts and be present in each moment, but things can always go in the opposite direction in the blink of an eye.
I am working very hard on gaining mental and emotional strength. My therapist is a great help. My daily meditations are very enlightening, and a small reassurance that I've finally got myself pointed in the right direction for me. There is a rocky road ahead, but I am feeling confident in my own abilities to tackle it.
At least for today, haha.
My relationship with my mother felt crippling for such a long time. Her judgements of my thoughts and actions were always at the surface. "Why would you want to do that? That seems silly. You should do this instead. It will be better for you in the long run." So I would hide away my dreams and wishes, not wanting to be judged and told I was doing it "wrong." Little did I realize, but the "it" I was going about doing wrong in my mother's eyes was living my life on MY terms.
I have experienced this same type of judgement in some of my friendships too. I think they affect me in slightly more subtle ways, but it still gives me the sensation of "you're doing it wrong." The difference with it coming from anyone but my mother is that I'm not as offended by it. The advice offered and the concerns shared come from a place of love. They don't want to see me get hurt, and they want me to be successful in getting my shit together. Who doesn't want these things for the ones they love?
Today's meditation rang some internal alarms. That I too offer unsolicited advice at times when really, the person speaking just needs me to listen, to be present and witness what they are expressing in gentle observation. My internal voice labeling what I am hearing as good or bad is no longer listening... it has transformed into judgement.
"Observe what you are hearing with non-judgemental awareness. Listen without reaction."
I am by no means saying that I am simply dismissing my past (and present) mistakes and that I am not accountable for my actions. I absolutely am aware that some of my decisions have been questionable at best. I have been making an effort as of late to make decisions based on what feels right for me, and worrying less about how it will be interpreted by others.
"But isn't that a bad idea?"
This reminds me of an old story I once read in a book of Buddhist teachings. I don't recall the book or author or anything worth citing, other than the story itself.
There once was an old man who lived in a village. One day, his horse ran away. "Such bad fortune!" cried his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
The next day, his horse returned but brought along 2 wild horses with it. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed his neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Shortly after the horses returned, the man's son tried to ride one of the wild horses. He was thrown and broke his leg. "Such bad fortune!" cried the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Not long after that, the army marched into the village, recruiting all the young men to head off to war. Seeing the man's son walking with a crutch, they passed him over and moved on. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed the neighbors.
"Maybe," said the man.
Maybe. We are never privy to knowing what is going to happen next, in the grand scheme of things. So to make the judgement of good or bad may be premature. We can follow our instincts and be present in each moment, but things can always go in the opposite direction in the blink of an eye.
I am working very hard on gaining mental and emotional strength. My therapist is a great help. My daily meditations are very enlightening, and a small reassurance that I've finally got myself pointed in the right direction for me. There is a rocky road ahead, but I am feeling confident in my own abilities to tackle it.
At least for today, haha.
Friday, February 9, 2018
Observation Without Reaction
Today's meditation was structured around "Observing what you feel without reacting to it." The guided meditation was referencing physical sensation; aches and pains, or a tickle on your forehead... All things that may happen while focused on what you are feeling in the moment of mindfulness. The practice today was to acknowledge the sensation, and let it go. To do nothing other than be aware of it's presence, accept that it is there, then move the mind on to the next sensation, without correcting or fixing the initial sensation. Just letting it be, honoring it for what it is, and moving through it.
Lord this one was a struggle...
There are a few relationships in my life that I feel like this EXACT practice is what I have been trying to do. There was a point when I had to take a step back from one of my best friends, and really acknowledge who we were in that present moment, accept that we had changed, honor that we were no longer compatible as close friends, and let it go.
So why is it so difficult for me to do that in other relationships in my life? My marriage is over, and I just need to tear the band aid off again and get it over with legally. I think part of me just aches to have it dissolve amicably. I understand that isn't realistic, but who can blame me for wanting to follow a path of acknowledgement, acceptance, honor, and release?
I have made an additional move in that direction. I have submitted the paperwork to empty out the last of my IRA. It won't be much, but it can get the ball rolling on filing costs and court fees. I feel anxious and excited. Endless possibilities, but I'm also standing and the foot of the mountain looking at the climb.
Even the greatest mountain climbers have to start in the same place. You climb one step at a time.
I'm taking another step and it feels like it's in the right direction.
Lord this one was a struggle...
There are a few relationships in my life that I feel like this EXACT practice is what I have been trying to do. There was a point when I had to take a step back from one of my best friends, and really acknowledge who we were in that present moment, accept that we had changed, honor that we were no longer compatible as close friends, and let it go.
So why is it so difficult for me to do that in other relationships in my life? My marriage is over, and I just need to tear the band aid off again and get it over with legally. I think part of me just aches to have it dissolve amicably. I understand that isn't realistic, but who can blame me for wanting to follow a path of acknowledgement, acceptance, honor, and release?
I have made an additional move in that direction. I have submitted the paperwork to empty out the last of my IRA. It won't be much, but it can get the ball rolling on filing costs and court fees. I feel anxious and excited. Endless possibilities, but I'm also standing and the foot of the mountain looking at the climb.
Even the greatest mountain climbers have to start in the same place. You climb one step at a time.
I'm taking another step and it feels like it's in the right direction.
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Meditation
With the recommendation of my therapist, I have started a practice of daily meditation. Since I really had never been "trained" how to do it, I decided to enroll myself in a 7 day mindfulness course using the Calm app. I just completed day 6, and admittedly, the practice is harder than I thought it would be. But something the instructor said during the guided meditation today struck a chord. Enough so that after the session was over, I went back and re-listened to that one portion.
"Mindfulness isn't about obtaining perfection, it's a practice of acceptance."
I'm working on being mindfully aware. Aware of my feelings. Aware of my actions. Aware of others feelings and actions. Taking it all in and just observing. Being present. Not trying to fix or control, just being present in each moment. Accepting things as they come, as they are. Taking it all in, and appreciating what is.
"Mindfulness isn't about obtaining perfection, it's a practice of acceptance."
I'm working on being mindfully aware. Aware of my feelings. Aware of my actions. Aware of others feelings and actions. Taking it all in and just observing. Being present. Not trying to fix or control, just being present in each moment. Accepting things as they come, as they are. Taking it all in, and appreciating what is.
Monday, February 5, 2018
Stable?
So it has been a little while since I've dedicated any real time to this blog, and quite a bit and nothing at all has happened in the last 2 years.
Medically I'm pretty stable. The occasional dislocation, and an ache in my fused wrist that comes and goes. My health has been a little shaky since December 30, 2017 - when I started getting symptoms of the flu - and it's been a long road to feeling better. I suspect my prolonged recovery is entirely due to stress and emotional overload.
As far as relationships go, I'm in a really unique place. On the one hand my marriage is over. In truth, it ended years ago, perhaps before it ever got started... but I am living with my parents again after spending the last year in Minnesota. I am getting my affairs in order to file and proceed with divorce. It's going to be messy. It's going to be hard. But it needs to be done. I can't pretend or delay it any longer. I'm sure I will be chronicling the process here. Or somewhere. On the other hand I'm also teetering on the edge of something new and completely different. I'm struggling with trying to keep things in check (as to not rush into anything) and yet I feel overwhelmingly that I need to honor myself enough to live authentically, and be present in the here and now. I am learning so much about myself, and what a more healthy relationship could look like.
Financially I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm making just enough to pay my current responsibilities, but not enough to even consider moving out on my own. It's frustrating, but at the same time, there is a reason to stay grounded where I am at the moment, and I'm learning to trust the process, to trust that God's divine plan has put me exactly where I need to be in this moment, and I welcome it. I am taking the time to actually pause and observe, and not to just rush through and get to the next phase already.
Which brings me to faith. I have always been pretty private with my faith and beliefs - and I have never been one to shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. After Joe died and I found his body, I found going to church was unbearable. Mass was overwhelming. My relationship with God became even more quiet, more reserved. It's not that I lost faith, I just didn't explore it further. I put up many walls during that time, and that including walling off my relationship with God. I've started thawing the walls of ice of that relationship, and I think it's another instance of being present and being observant in the moment.
I started doing a 7 day meditation program to continue training myself to be more "mindfully aware." I've gotten so good at putting on blinders and cramming my fingers in my ears, and I'm really trying to open my eyes, pull my fingers out of my ears, and gently submerge myself back into my own life.
Medically I'm pretty stable. The occasional dislocation, and an ache in my fused wrist that comes and goes. My health has been a little shaky since December 30, 2017 - when I started getting symptoms of the flu - and it's been a long road to feeling better. I suspect my prolonged recovery is entirely due to stress and emotional overload.
As far as relationships go, I'm in a really unique place. On the one hand my marriage is over. In truth, it ended years ago, perhaps before it ever got started... but I am living with my parents again after spending the last year in Minnesota. I am getting my affairs in order to file and proceed with divorce. It's going to be messy. It's going to be hard. But it needs to be done. I can't pretend or delay it any longer. I'm sure I will be chronicling the process here. Or somewhere. On the other hand I'm also teetering on the edge of something new and completely different. I'm struggling with trying to keep things in check (as to not rush into anything) and yet I feel overwhelmingly that I need to honor myself enough to live authentically, and be present in the here and now. I am learning so much about myself, and what a more healthy relationship could look like.
Financially I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm making just enough to pay my current responsibilities, but not enough to even consider moving out on my own. It's frustrating, but at the same time, there is a reason to stay grounded where I am at the moment, and I'm learning to trust the process, to trust that God's divine plan has put me exactly where I need to be in this moment, and I welcome it. I am taking the time to actually pause and observe, and not to just rush through and get to the next phase already.
Which brings me to faith. I have always been pretty private with my faith and beliefs - and I have never been one to shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. After Joe died and I found his body, I found going to church was unbearable. Mass was overwhelming. My relationship with God became even more quiet, more reserved. It's not that I lost faith, I just didn't explore it further. I put up many walls during that time, and that including walling off my relationship with God. I've started thawing the walls of ice of that relationship, and I think it's another instance of being present and being observant in the moment.
I started doing a 7 day meditation program to continue training myself to be more "mindfully aware." I've gotten so good at putting on blinders and cramming my fingers in my ears, and I'm really trying to open my eyes, pull my fingers out of my ears, and gently submerge myself back into my own life.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Next Up...
Jaw.
I've officially reached my tolerance threshold for my jaw, so that is the next major joint to be looked at. I've been in contact with 2 tmj dysfunction specialists and go in May 11th to get the scoop as to what the hell is going on in there.
My hope for a year without issue will not be happening.
I've officially reached my tolerance threshold for my jaw, so that is the next major joint to be looked at. I've been in contact with 2 tmj dysfunction specialists and go in May 11th to get the scoop as to what the hell is going on in there.
My hope for a year without issue will not be happening.
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