Yep, that about sums it up.
I'm struggling pretty bad this Halloween. I've been telling myself internally that I just need to get over it, but saying something out loud to D that I'm having a hard time brought me to tears. She gave me some tough love... It was hard, but wasn't mean or from a place of anger or resentment or anything like that. We joked about it after that she really cares about me, and its evident by her ability to dish out some tough love here and there. Essentially she told me that I just need to finally decide that enough is enough and get over it. That got me a little weepy and she followed it with "but I can't judge anyone's healing/grieving process."
I do process things a little differently than others. Slower. My emotional reaction times are slightly stunted. I've always kind of been that way. Partly I don't want to admit there is a problem and partly I want to have issues resolved before anyone even knows there was a problem in the first place.
I've been keeping pretty quiet about my own emotional struggles as everyone else has their own shit to deal with. Moving to new scary locations where they don't know anyone, starting life over after divorce, facing infertility, accepting life with only one child after their spouse says no to more, potentially losing their last immediate family member to breast cancer, struggles as a single parent to two special needs children... I feel guilty and embarrassed that I nearly hyperventilate when I see blood and gore. Fake stuff... where I know it's fake. Logically I know I should just be over this already. I don't really understand what my subconscious is clinging to, and it's intensely frustrating to me.
I just feel pretty lonely, if I'm being completely honest.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Coming up for air
The hits just keep coming...
Had another surgery in May. I had all the hardware removed out of my fused wrist as I was rejecting it.
I also just lost all my books and keepsakes in the flood we recently had. I'm of the mind at this point that you can't take it with you. It's just stuff. So I'm throwing everything out. I have stopped caring.
Then there's Robin Williams.
Oh Robin...
I don't blame him. I don't shame him. I don't think less of him for taking his own life. I just pray that in the moment of his release he felt the warmth and love of the entire world reaching out to him. He was so loved. But sometimes it's too much.
It hurts me when people call suicide cowardly, or selfish. Robin was a selfless man. He made millions and millions of people laugh. If his one selfish act was to end his internal struggle, I can't judge that.
I HAVE BEEN THERE.
Joe was never described as selfish either. He was warm, caring, and always supportive of his friends. He knows he made a mistake, but he's free now. Time marches on. People move on.
From the film Jack...
"Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did."
We do the best we can. Never judge another person's struggle.
Even through all the struggles lately, I have found love. Not where I ever expected to find it either. But it's there... complicated and beautiful and strong... and its all mine.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Here's the Skinny...
Okay, I think I have my stuff together enough to talk about what happened.
Saturday February 22nd at 5:10pm I got a frantic call from my friend J* (names changed to protect anyone who cares to be protected). He says he can't get ahold of his roommate, Joe, and asks if I can pop over to the house to check in on him. I say no problem, thinking it was no biggy and he was probably asleep on the couch or his phone was broken or something. I drove over, thinking it would be a quick trip.
J* was on the phone with me when I pulled up. Before I pounded on the door, he said "Mer, this could be really bad... Make sure you make your presence known as you go in the house... There are guns in the house." You'd think I would have hesitated or thought differently or whatever, but I just did the usual Meredith "Dude, no worries, it'll be fine!" And pounded on the door.
No answer.
Went to the back door and pounded.
No answer.
I got the spare key out and opened the back door, yelling for Joe (the roommate). No response, but I could hear the dog going ape shit further back in the house. I walked slowly, continuously calling for Joe. No response. I came around the corner.
And that's when I saw him. Joe was propped up comfortably. Almost casual looking... Except that half of his face was missing. He had killed himself with a shotgun and it was a pretty brutal scene. I was still on the phone with J* when I found him, and to hear the anguish in his voice as I told him his best friend was gone... It broke my heart.
In that moment, I realized that nothing would ever be the same. I walked back into the kitchen and started to make a list. I wrote down the address as I knew I wouldn't be able to remember it off the top of my head. I also wrote "911" at the top, as I knew I had to call them too. Thing is... I was so disoriented I wrote 919... But I quickly crossed it off and wrote it correctly. Police were called at 5:36pm.
The next several hours were a blur. The police had me wait in my car, asking me questions I didn't know the answers to. I had to wait the entire time as I agreed to take the animals out of the house (J* was on vacation, the animals couldn't be left in the house). So I stayed. The entire time. The Medical Examiner finally showed up and did their investigation. After Joe was removed, I called D* to tell her the horrific news... and to ask for her help. I knew I was just about maxed out on my emotional stability, and catching cats was going to be the end of me. I went back into the house to assess the damage... I had asked the ME to pick up as much of the brain matter off the floor as they could. They said they would, but I wanted to make sure. They did a decent job removing the chunks, but it isn't their job to clean. I just wanted to immediately start cleaning, but I just stood there and stared at where Joe had been. Marveled at the splatter pattern. I knew it was out of my capability (Blood born pathogens and all).
D* really helped me keep it together. She's pretty freaking amazing.
So now here we are in present day. I'm trying so hard not to let it bother me. I've been counselor to many people about the incident, but I've lost J*. He's hurting so much and I can feel it. I reached out to him and he warned me that he was going to lose interest in everything, including me. I literally sobbed and begged him not to cut me out... In a later conversation, he said that he was avoiding conversations and people that remind him of Joe. Unfortunately I am sort of standing right in the middle of that shit storm in his mind. I told him that I would stand as far back as he needed me to. He said he would let me know. He's moving to AZ soon and then he'll be gone forever. And all I'll have left of our friendship is the memory of seeing his best friend blown to smithereens... and knowing that seeing and speaking to me causes him pain.
It sucks.
SO. To my dearly beloved friends who keep tabs on me via this blog... Please do not take my standoffishness personally. You all know that I will give my life for the people I love... For my friends. I took a bullet that day, guys. I gave up a piece of me that I know I will never get back. I don't regret it. I'm glad it was me. I know we all say we would do anything for our friends.
I've proved that I would.
I'm just reassessing things over here a little. Figuring out what my boundaries are. I'll be back up for air soon...
Saturday February 22nd at 5:10pm I got a frantic call from my friend J* (names changed to protect anyone who cares to be protected). He says he can't get ahold of his roommate, Joe, and asks if I can pop over to the house to check in on him. I say no problem, thinking it was no biggy and he was probably asleep on the couch or his phone was broken or something. I drove over, thinking it would be a quick trip.
J* was on the phone with me when I pulled up. Before I pounded on the door, he said "Mer, this could be really bad... Make sure you make your presence known as you go in the house... There are guns in the house." You'd think I would have hesitated or thought differently or whatever, but I just did the usual Meredith "Dude, no worries, it'll be fine!" And pounded on the door.
No answer.
Went to the back door and pounded.
No answer.
I got the spare key out and opened the back door, yelling for Joe (the roommate). No response, but I could hear the dog going ape shit further back in the house. I walked slowly, continuously calling for Joe. No response. I came around the corner.
And that's when I saw him. Joe was propped up comfortably. Almost casual looking... Except that half of his face was missing. He had killed himself with a shotgun and it was a pretty brutal scene. I was still on the phone with J* when I found him, and to hear the anguish in his voice as I told him his best friend was gone... It broke my heart.
In that moment, I realized that nothing would ever be the same. I walked back into the kitchen and started to make a list. I wrote down the address as I knew I wouldn't be able to remember it off the top of my head. I also wrote "911" at the top, as I knew I had to call them too. Thing is... I was so disoriented I wrote 919... But I quickly crossed it off and wrote it correctly. Police were called at 5:36pm.
The next several hours were a blur. The police had me wait in my car, asking me questions I didn't know the answers to. I had to wait the entire time as I agreed to take the animals out of the house (J* was on vacation, the animals couldn't be left in the house). So I stayed. The entire time. The Medical Examiner finally showed up and did their investigation. After Joe was removed, I called D* to tell her the horrific news... and to ask for her help. I knew I was just about maxed out on my emotional stability, and catching cats was going to be the end of me. I went back into the house to assess the damage... I had asked the ME to pick up as much of the brain matter off the floor as they could. They said they would, but I wanted to make sure. They did a decent job removing the chunks, but it isn't their job to clean. I just wanted to immediately start cleaning, but I just stood there and stared at where Joe had been. Marveled at the splatter pattern. I knew it was out of my capability (Blood born pathogens and all).
D* really helped me keep it together. She's pretty freaking amazing.
So now here we are in present day. I'm trying so hard not to let it bother me. I've been counselor to many people about the incident, but I've lost J*. He's hurting so much and I can feel it. I reached out to him and he warned me that he was going to lose interest in everything, including me. I literally sobbed and begged him not to cut me out... In a later conversation, he said that he was avoiding conversations and people that remind him of Joe. Unfortunately I am sort of standing right in the middle of that shit storm in his mind. I told him that I would stand as far back as he needed me to. He said he would let me know. He's moving to AZ soon and then he'll be gone forever. And all I'll have left of our friendship is the memory of seeing his best friend blown to smithereens... and knowing that seeing and speaking to me causes him pain.
It sucks.
SO. To my dearly beloved friends who keep tabs on me via this blog... Please do not take my standoffishness personally. You all know that I will give my life for the people I love... For my friends. I took a bullet that day, guys. I gave up a piece of me that I know I will never get back. I don't regret it. I'm glad it was me. I know we all say we would do anything for our friends.
I've proved that I would.
I'm just reassessing things over here a little. Figuring out what my boundaries are. I'll be back up for air soon...
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
So...
I've been pretty quiet again.
I've put the whole soul searching business on hold for right now.
Witnessed some pretty traumatic shit that has completely knocked me off my feet. I'm not completely sure how to even really process it all, but I'm taking comfort in the ever stoic British ideal of "Keep Calm and Carry On."
I'm sure I'll talk about it more later. But for now... I just kind of can't.
I've put the whole soul searching business on hold for right now.
Witnessed some pretty traumatic shit that has completely knocked me off my feet. I'm not completely sure how to even really process it all, but I'm taking comfort in the ever stoic British ideal of "Keep Calm and Carry On."
I'm sure I'll talk about it more later. But for now... I just kind of can't.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Happy New Year
Trying something a little different... a video blog entry!!
Yeah, I couldn't figure out how to imbed my video...
Wow. My hair is getting really long. Now you get to see my face and hear my voice for once. :)
Yeah, I couldn't figure out how to imbed my video...
Wow. My hair is getting really long. Now you get to see my face and hear my voice for once. :)
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