Blah

Yep, that about sums it up.

I'm struggling pretty bad this Halloween. I've been telling myself internally that I just need to get over it, but saying something out loud to D that I'm having a hard time brought me to tears. She gave me some tough love... It was hard, but wasn't mean or from a place of anger or resentment or anything like that. We joked about it after that she really cares about me, and its evident by her ability to dish out some tough love here and there. Essentially she told me that I just need to finally decide that enough is enough and get over it. That got me a little weepy and she followed it with "but I can't judge anyone's healing/grieving process."

I do process things a little differently than others. Slower. My emotional reaction times are slightly stunted. I've always kind of been that way. Partly I don't want to admit there is a problem and partly I want to have issues resolved before anyone even knows there was a problem in the first place.

I've been keeping pretty quiet about my own emotional struggles as everyone else has their own shit to deal with. Moving to new scary locations where they don't know anyone, starting life over after divorce, facing infertility, accepting life with only one child after their spouse says no to more, potentially losing their last immediate family member to breast cancer, struggles as a single parent to two special needs children... I feel guilty and embarrassed that I nearly hyperventilate when I see blood and gore. Fake stuff... where I know it's fake. Logically I know I should just be over this already. I don't really understand what my subconscious is clinging to, and it's intensely frustrating to me.

I just feel pretty lonely, if I'm being completely honest.