Closure?

This week at work has been so busy, and I have been having such allergy related issues that I've basically been working and then passing out in a benadryl induced coma. Not a great combo for getting anything else done or reaching out to my friends. There were a few really excellent job postings forwarded by my best friend that I finally had a chance to review more closely, and I started journaling again after a couple days off. I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed by it all, but I'm feeling a little better. Baby steps. I dont have to conquer every aspect all at once!

I heard from my ex tonight and was offered an explanation for why he just stopped speaking to me and dropped me like a hot rock. "Us together is a toxic combination. It's not you. It's not me. It's just us together. We trigger the neediest, most toxic behaviors in each other. We spent 2 days together and both instantly regressed. Im still trying to recover from it and that isnt healthy. I talked to my therapist and I just dont see a healthy way forward, and that's okay."

He's right.

I thanked him for his honesty and wished him well. I feel a little better (less abandoned maybe?) understanding where he is coming from, and I'm ready to let that part of my life go. It's in the past and I dont live there anymore.

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I've spoken to my family about my commitment to CoDA, and they are all in support of me attending my meetings and getting the mental help I need to work through everything. I'm also adopting some dietary changes for my health that everyone is on board to support, even my kids!

I feel like things are starting to shift.

Home

I have not abandoned my blog! I have just been refocused on my growth in a different way. I've really committed myself to working through my issues, and I've been journaling in a book, rather than here. Maybe someday I'll transpose it all to here, but for now there are some parts of my self discovery that I am keeping selfishly to myself.

Breaking away from my codependent processes has not been easy, but at least I'm trying. I've found a local CoDA chapter that I really click with. I've been working through the activities of Codependent No More. I've continued my daily meditations, my angel cards, and have swapped out my daily readings of The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo for The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

Today's message gave me chills. Heres a portion:

Come back home to yourself. Come back home to the present moment. We will not change things by escaping or leaving the moment. We will change things by surrendering to and accepting the moment.

The notion of "home" has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That the only place I felt like I was home was in MN, and I have subsequently been told I cant "come home." Not to where I was comfortable and safe, anyways.

I'm learning to find the home within myself. To stop putting so much power into other peoples hands. My happiness is none of their business, nor is theres any of mine. I have to put my Faith and my Trust in Myself. God help me...

Detachment

I'm practicing detachment. To step back from people and situations to let them handle their own issues with dignity, while I focus on pursuing my own inner peace.

It is not easy for me.

The compulsion to reach out, the nearly frantic obsessive thoughts wondering what happens next, when will I hear from him again... The reality is I may never hear from him... and I have to really accept the fact that, even if that is the case, I will be okay. I thought it was bothering me because I needed closure, that I was feeling used and abandoned. But I read a quote today that gave me pause:

"When removing yourself from toxic relationships, the compulsion to reach out has nothing to do with closure, but more to do with your addiction to that person. As wounds start to heal, they become itchy. Resist the urge to scratch."

I am resisting. It's so hard, but I'm really trying. I haven't reached out since Wednesday morning. I've been an utter wreck, but I'm trying to practice respectful detachment. For my own sanity.

Al Anon

On the recommendation of my therapist, I went to an Al Anon meeting tonight. I didnt speak, just listened and was present. I'm completely drained after the last 2 days of diving into my codependency, so I'll write about it tomorrow.

It was good. I'm glad I went.

Unbroken

Relax your attention. Notice how you feel. We notice in practice how judgmental we are of ourselves. How there's this expectation that we should carry out a perfect practice, the perfect posture, and perfect concentration. Many of us carry a sense that we aren't whole, unless we're perfect. So we always have to fix ourselves in some way. What many of us don't realize, is that as long as we view ourselves as needing to be fixed, the message we're actually sending to ourselves is that we're broken. It's likely that if you look deep and hard, you can identify with this. But there's something if you could just get over, or be more or less of, it would fix you. Perhaps you're addicted to healing yourself. Holding the idea that if you're fully healed, sooner or later you would be complete. If this is our belief, we're missing an important truth: That we're actually good enough as we are, right now. What a difficult to swallow revelation. Acceptance is the key to letting go of the idea that we always need to fix ourselves. To accept is to understand ourselves, and to get curious in a friendly way about the why of our actions. And of course, to always offer ourselves kindness. This is the place from which change occurs, not criticism. So be gentle with yourself. You are not broken. You don't need to be fixed. You are whole. You're complete exactly as you are. See if you can feel that, right now. As Jeff Foster said, "True healing is not a fixing of the broken, but a rediscovery of the unbroken." 

Tamara Levit - Daily Calm

Then scrolling through my IG feed, I came across this too: "Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You're important. You're loved. And your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not."

My angel card was Kindness. 

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I'm not really sure how to feel in this moment. I'm feeling pretty conflicted. On the one hand, I'm absolutely terrified that I jumped the gun, wanting to work things out with my ex. That it isn't at all what he really needs or wants. On the other, I'm beyond excited at what the future and the possibilities hold, regardless of circumstance. I know where I want to be. 

I just have some hurdles to cross before I get there. 

I've decided to file again without legal representation. I can't afford a lawyer on my own, and I simply can't afford to wait any longer. I have waited the 180 days that was recommended during the interview process of finding a lawyer. I want out and I want to get it started. His parents will lawyer him up and that is fine. Other than time with the kids, he has nothing that I want. I don't want the rental house, I don't want his comics or collections or any of his shit. 

I'm getting out. I have to. I can't move on with this cinder block around my neck holding me underwater. 

Spoke Too Soon?

Looking into rekindling a relationship may have been too forward. Getting ahead of myself. Hes asked for some time to process everything that happened this weekend, and I've granted it to him.

Now, if he resurfaces in a couple days and says he can't handle it, can't handle ME, then I'll thank him for some lovely conversation over the last month and wish him well. I wont be happy about it, but I wont think ill of him either.

That doesn't change my mind.

I'm going home.

Minnesota is my home, and one way or another, I'll be back within her borders.

A New Start

Over the course of the last 32 days, I've been engaged in increasing communication with someone from my past. We've talked about why it didn't work out, why it couldn't have worked out, and what has changed in our lives because of our shared past and how we parted ways. 

It was messy. I've grown from the experience, as have they. 

But we both agreed we didn't feel like it should have ended the way it did (or at all) but there was no way of sustaining it the way it was going. We also agree that the relationship ending when it did was exactly what we both needed at the time. I had to return to MI and log my 180 days in this county before re-filing for divorce. They needed to lose me in order to face their alcoholism and really dedicate themselves to getting some help, to begin their recovery. 

We've both been in therapy. We both attempted to see other people. We both have been pretty fucking miserable. 

Plain and simple, I miss him. I miss the little home and life we had built together. I miss Minnesota in a way I never thought I would. I came back to Michigan because I had to. Mostly for the right reasons, but also for some really wrong reasons that quickly backfired on me. I have felt like an outsider ever since I moved back in with my parents. I've been homesick this whole time, and I wasn't willing to admit it. My sleep has been off, my eating has been off, my exercise took a back seat... I've been completely depressed and unwilling to admit why. 

I want to go home. 

So I did something crazy. I went to Chicago this weekend to hang out. I went to Chicago and had an amazing time. I ate. I slept like the dead. I walked over 16,000 steps in one day. I went on a bus tour of the city's architecture. I walked in the gardens and parks. I walked the entire length of Navy Pier. I ate a Chicago hot dog on the street and got completely burned by the sun. I let myself be fully present in the experience, and I haven't laughed and smiled so much in a really long time. 

I felt alive. I felt (feel) like my life is starting over... but in the best possible way. 

Then I did something even crazier. As I was driving back to Detroit, I was passing by the college I attended. I haven't been back since I dropped out. I took the exit. I drove around campus. I was amazed at how different everything was, and yet, it was exactly the same. It was familiar, yet new. Then I took a deliberate turn and went down to the fraternity village. I have not been there since the rape. I pulled up in front of the house and called my college roommate, whom I am still good friends with. As we talked, I stared down the house. Then I made my peace and got back into my car. Its a different greek affiliation in the house now, but it still stands. I recognized the porch immediately. I thought about knocking on the door, but there were no cars out front. No one was home. But I stood outside of that house and took inventory of how I was feeling. 

I felt alive. I felt strong. I felt proud. 

And the biggest thing? I didn't feel afraid. I wasn't nervous or scared or ashamed. I was there. I'm still here. After everything... I'm still here. 

And I'm not going anywhere. 

Well, with one exception. Eventually... 

I'm going home.