I just came to bed after a 2 hour long conversation with my father. There were angry words (mine), there were tears (ours), and there were apologies made (his). I told my father how I have been feeling, how interactions with him have left me feeling, cruel things that he has said, and his oblivious nature to everyone else around him. This time he heard me. He apologized and tried to explain things that he meant, vs things that he said. He explained that calling me sensitive was a compliment, not a weakness. He apologized for calling me a failure. He also apologized for confiding in me over and over about rebuilding a relationship with my brother, while the rest of us were chop liver. He explained where he was coming from, what he was trying to convey, and also realized that telling those particular thoughts and wishes he had about building a relationship with his son may not have been appropriate to share with one of the other siblings. He wasn't intentionally trying to be an asshole.
I have always known that it wasn't intentional, it has always been oblivion. But he also picks and chooses what he remembers, and if it doesn't directly involve him, his attention waivers.
I still feel like a stranger in this house, but now my father is aware of it. Maybe he and I can begin to work on some sort of relationship too.
We spent a little time talking about da Vinci, and it felt like it was common ground. My dad talking about the symbolism of the paintings, me pointing out painting techniques and mineral compounds used in his paint which also may have had religious significance. It was a safe topic, and it was much easier and more gentle than me calling him an absent father whoo leaves his disabled children stranded, and him countering that he and my mother doted on me hand and foot and perhaps I was spoiled and they were wrong to do so. That comment is actually what flung me right off the edge and into the "alright, that is just about enough out of you... Your perception is your own, but it is a far cry from my reality and I'm fucking tired of listening to you talk about things you know nothing about, just to hear yourself talk!"
It escalated pretty quickly, if I'm honest.
But it needed to. We both agreed that it was a long overdue expulsion of past hurts and lingering resentments that needed to be released. He thanked me for opening up and being honest with him. He teased he didn't think I'd take the transformation card quite so literally, and quite so immediately! I told him that he had no idea just how long this transformation had taken to get to where it is today.
Another step in a forward direction.
I told him he's paying for my therapy tomorrow. He laughed. I told him I wasn't kidding.
Monday, April 30, 2018
Enjoy the Journey
The word of the day is Journey. It's been permeating my entire weekend, really. For the past several days, my readings have had a focus of making journey's: salmon swimming upstream (the way is hard, but clear), boats being tossed about - getting a glimpse of eternity at the peak of a wave, and feeling small and lost in the belly of the very same wave (one constant arrival). Even my own musings of "the journey" when I didn't have much else to say.
I received a belated birthday gift this weekend as well, and it continues to follow the theme:
It was incredibly thoughtful, and definitely unexpected, as are most gifts I receive from those close to me are, as of late. "You seemed the obvious choice" as a recipient of a gift, no matter how seemingly small, is incredibly humbling and moving.
To pay forward the smiles I have received, I've started writing little notes to my friends and dropping them in the mail. No forewarning, and zero expectation of anything in return. Just a gentle touch to remind them they are thought of, and they are loved. That they too are "the obvious choice" to who I want to spend my time and energy on.
--------
This weekend I've also been dealing with a few uncomfortable realizations. There will always be "growing pains" along the way, but this weekend was pretty eye opening, and I'm left feeling a little bruised. I have always been aware of my fathers narcissism; his ego fueled rants about spiritualism and his "special-ness" and how it was never about wanting to share that connection with others - it was about showing off what he thought he had that made him "more" than the rest of us. But I was also aware of how generous he could be, when he puts his mind to it. I realized this weekend that his seeming good deeds came at a price, and that price just happened to be a relationship with me. In talking with my father, I teased him that I wanted to drop him off at PT and forget him there, just once, so we would be even. He was genuinely confused. I told him that after my knee surgery, he took me to PT a couple times, and promptly forgot to pick me up after. He said he had no recollection of that. He didn't even recall me having a knee surgery.
My jaw dropped. I had a major reconstruction of my knee, couldn't walk without assistance for 6 months, couldn't walk normally for a year, and during this time I LIVED IN HIS HOUSE. I was literally under his nose the entire time of my recovery, and he had no idea? I asked him if he remembered Kevin living in the basement (my father opened our home to an ex-con, saying he just needed a leg up to get back into society). He said he remembered that time very clearly. I reminded him that my knee surgery was 2 weeks before Kevin moved in, and that both mom and I thought it might not be the best idea to have a stranger move into the basement... but my father wasn't hearing any of us, other than his own agenda, and Kevin moved in. He said he didn't remember any of those concerns either, and said that he vaguely remembered I had a knee surgery after all. "Didn't your knees have the same issue as Tommy's?" My brother also dislocated his knees on occasion. "Yeah, Dad... Same issue as Tommy's... only mine was bad enough to warrant a major surgery to try to correct it..." Even my "issues" had to be overshadowed by making them about someone else... It wasn't my knee issue, it was my brothers knee issue. I asked him if he was aware that I had my wrist fused. He sort of laughed and said "yes, I know you had a wrist surgery." Okay, but did you know I actually had 3 wrist surgeries? "No... I only thought it was the one..."
I'm not saying I want my father to be all involved in my business. I don't. What I want is for my father to stop making bold claims about me and my siblings "Your sister was never artistic; You were always the most sensitive one" when in reality he doesn't know jack shit about us. He has confided in me countless times that he wants to rebuild his relationship with my brother, that he feels guilt and remorse that he wasn't really around when he felt my brother really needed him. But he has never, NEVER made any sort of effort towards rebuilding a relationship with my sister, and certainly not with me.
So this weekend I took a deep breath and stepped out of my comfort zone of silence yet again and lit my dad up. I was calm. I was not cruel. But I didn't hold back that his words are hurtful. That he does all of us a disservice when he pontificates about our strengths and weaknesses. That he doesn't know us at all. I think he heard me, but I'm not sure if he was listening.
I feel exceptionally awkward in this house now. It is not my home. I am a stranger living here out of my parents generosity. I am the latest ex-con who just needs a leg up to return to society. In this moment I am feeling incredibly small and sad. It really hurts to realize that in your own fathers eyes, you don't really amount to much of anything at all.
There is some old saying/wives tale/whatever that women often marry men just like their fathers. In my case, it seems to be true. While D will go on and on about how attentive he is, how he's the greatest husband ever, he doesn't hear me when I say I'm unhappy. He doesn't hear me at all. And he only sees what he wants to see in me.
------------
There have been a few conversations with various people lately that have sprung up about gifts and super powers. Abilities that are so glorious that they could be considered gifts. It has been such a blessing to be witness to the people I love the most in this world really come into their own within their strengths. But I've also been thinking about my own gifts and super powers... and right now in this moment, with everything I experienced with my father this weekend, I feel like my most dominant super power has always been invisibility.
I don't want to be invisible. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to be acknowledged AS I AM, and I want to be comfortable to be me.
This part of the journey sucks. This part of the journey is hard.
But I'm here. I'm moving through these uncomfortable spaces, learning where I let myself down along the way, allowing myself to be forgiven, and letting it go.
My dad picked 3 angel cards this morning. Willingness. Power. Peace. He got all giddy when he picked the Power card, and sighed and said he "could use some of that" when he picked Peace. I looked over his cards.
I received a belated birthday gift this weekend as well, and it continues to follow the theme:
It was incredibly thoughtful, and definitely unexpected, as are most gifts I receive from those close to me are, as of late. "You seemed the obvious choice" as a recipient of a gift, no matter how seemingly small, is incredibly humbling and moving.
To pay forward the smiles I have received, I've started writing little notes to my friends and dropping them in the mail. No forewarning, and zero expectation of anything in return. Just a gentle touch to remind them they are thought of, and they are loved. That they too are "the obvious choice" to who I want to spend my time and energy on.
--------
This weekend I've also been dealing with a few uncomfortable realizations. There will always be "growing pains" along the way, but this weekend was pretty eye opening, and I'm left feeling a little bruised. I have always been aware of my fathers narcissism; his ego fueled rants about spiritualism and his "special-ness" and how it was never about wanting to share that connection with others - it was about showing off what he thought he had that made him "more" than the rest of us. But I was also aware of how generous he could be, when he puts his mind to it. I realized this weekend that his seeming good deeds came at a price, and that price just happened to be a relationship with me. In talking with my father, I teased him that I wanted to drop him off at PT and forget him there, just once, so we would be even. He was genuinely confused. I told him that after my knee surgery, he took me to PT a couple times, and promptly forgot to pick me up after. He said he had no recollection of that. He didn't even recall me having a knee surgery.
My jaw dropped. I had a major reconstruction of my knee, couldn't walk without assistance for 6 months, couldn't walk normally for a year, and during this time I LIVED IN HIS HOUSE. I was literally under his nose the entire time of my recovery, and he had no idea? I asked him if he remembered Kevin living in the basement (my father opened our home to an ex-con, saying he just needed a leg up to get back into society). He said he remembered that time very clearly. I reminded him that my knee surgery was 2 weeks before Kevin moved in, and that both mom and I thought it might not be the best idea to have a stranger move into the basement... but my father wasn't hearing any of us, other than his own agenda, and Kevin moved in. He said he didn't remember any of those concerns either, and said that he vaguely remembered I had a knee surgery after all. "Didn't your knees have the same issue as Tommy's?" My brother also dislocated his knees on occasion. "Yeah, Dad... Same issue as Tommy's... only mine was bad enough to warrant a major surgery to try to correct it..." Even my "issues" had to be overshadowed by making them about someone else... It wasn't my knee issue, it was my brothers knee issue. I asked him if he was aware that I had my wrist fused. He sort of laughed and said "yes, I know you had a wrist surgery." Okay, but did you know I actually had 3 wrist surgeries? "No... I only thought it was the one..."
I'm not saying I want my father to be all involved in my business. I don't. What I want is for my father to stop making bold claims about me and my siblings "Your sister was never artistic; You were always the most sensitive one" when in reality he doesn't know jack shit about us. He has confided in me countless times that he wants to rebuild his relationship with my brother, that he feels guilt and remorse that he wasn't really around when he felt my brother really needed him. But he has never, NEVER made any sort of effort towards rebuilding a relationship with my sister, and certainly not with me.
So this weekend I took a deep breath and stepped out of my comfort zone of silence yet again and lit my dad up. I was calm. I was not cruel. But I didn't hold back that his words are hurtful. That he does all of us a disservice when he pontificates about our strengths and weaknesses. That he doesn't know us at all. I think he heard me, but I'm not sure if he was listening.
I feel exceptionally awkward in this house now. It is not my home. I am a stranger living here out of my parents generosity. I am the latest ex-con who just needs a leg up to return to society. In this moment I am feeling incredibly small and sad. It really hurts to realize that in your own fathers eyes, you don't really amount to much of anything at all.
There is some old saying/wives tale/whatever that women often marry men just like their fathers. In my case, it seems to be true. While D will go on and on about how attentive he is, how he's the greatest husband ever, he doesn't hear me when I say I'm unhappy. He doesn't hear me at all. And he only sees what he wants to see in me.
------------
There have been a few conversations with various people lately that have sprung up about gifts and super powers. Abilities that are so glorious that they could be considered gifts. It has been such a blessing to be witness to the people I love the most in this world really come into their own within their strengths. But I've also been thinking about my own gifts and super powers... and right now in this moment, with everything I experienced with my father this weekend, I feel like my most dominant super power has always been invisibility.
I don't want to be invisible. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to be acknowledged AS I AM, and I want to be comfortable to be me.
This part of the journey sucks. This part of the journey is hard.
But I'm here. I'm moving through these uncomfortable spaces, learning where I let myself down along the way, allowing myself to be forgiven, and letting it go.
My dad picked 3 angel cards this morning. Willingness. Power. Peace. He got all giddy when he picked the Power card, and sighed and said he "could use some of that" when he picked Peace. I looked over his cards.
You need to have a willingness to let go of power to achieve peace, Dad.
He kind of nodded and scoffed. "Yeah, you're probably right. How about you pick one?"
Transformation.
Change is only painful when we resist. This journey doesn't have to be a painful one. Now that I've vented out a lot of resentment and anger towards my father, I can let it go.
Thank you for listening, whoever you are out there.
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Little Experiment Update
I mentioned little seeds I transplanted a few weeks ago, and have an update on their progress.
The seed that decided to throw out leaves before roots has long parished. It put on a good show, but with zero foundation and support, it didn't stand a chance. I feel that seed was like my past relationships. Flinging myself in head first, opening up and trying to make something happen without knowing what ground I stood on.
The seed that shot out a root remained dormant for quite some time. It started it's root structure first, testing the environment to ensure it was sustainable before starting to open up and grow. This little seed feels more like my approach to relationships now. Laying down a solid foundation, making sure the environment makes sense, taking my time without rushing in.
The seed that decided to throw out leaves before roots has long parished. It put on a good show, but with zero foundation and support, it didn't stand a chance. I feel that seed was like my past relationships. Flinging myself in head first, opening up and trying to make something happen without knowing what ground I stood on.
The seed that shot out a root remained dormant for quite some time. It started it's root structure first, testing the environment to ensure it was sustainable before starting to open up and grow. This little seed feels more like my approach to relationships now. Laying down a solid foundation, making sure the environment makes sense, taking my time without rushing in.
Little leaves.
Friday, April 27, 2018
17 hours, 18 minutes
After today's meditation, I have officially logged 17 hours and 18 dedicated minutes to my mindfulness practice. 90 meditation sessions. While that seems like a lot, I've only begun to realize that I have a long ways to go! I know "it's not the final destination, it's the journey," but I'm happy to be making this journey!
I don't have much else to say today...
I don't have much else to say today...
Thursday, April 26, 2018
A Gift From My Sister
I've had this post open most of the day, waiting for inspiration to hit. I feel compelled to talk about my sister, and an incredible gift she has given to me.
My sister has become an exceptional artist - born purely out of her own creativity and acceptance in letting go of her boundaries and self imposed limitations. She was the "smart one," my brother and I were the "artistic ones" - as deemed by those who thought they knew us. But the truth is that my sister is incredibly creative, and has a passion for the creative process that I have never seen before! Her life is so organized and meticulous, yet her creative process is messy and raw and she has finally found her safe place to relinquish all control, and it is such an amazing experience to bare witness to.
The gift is in the sharing. She has such a passion for this particular creative outlet, so much so that she wants to share it with others - to show them the beauty of letting go, of just trusting the process, of accepting and honoring what is, not what you think should be. There is profound medicine in the creative expression my sister has shared with me, and I am so moved. Moved and grateful! I have created a few of these pieces myself now, and I am growing addicted to the process! I want to move on to bigger canvases, mix my own palettes of color, and just pour my heart out!
The paintings I worked on with my sister while she was in town
For an example of the pieces we have been creating and the process it takes to complete them, here is a video that demonstrates the technique used.
My sister has become an exceptional artist - born purely out of her own creativity and acceptance in letting go of her boundaries and self imposed limitations. She was the "smart one," my brother and I were the "artistic ones" - as deemed by those who thought they knew us. But the truth is that my sister is incredibly creative, and has a passion for the creative process that I have never seen before! Her life is so organized and meticulous, yet her creative process is messy and raw and she has finally found her safe place to relinquish all control, and it is such an amazing experience to bare witness to.
The gift is in the sharing. She has such a passion for this particular creative outlet, so much so that she wants to share it with others - to show them the beauty of letting go, of just trusting the process, of accepting and honoring what is, not what you think should be. There is profound medicine in the creative expression my sister has shared with me, and I am so moved. Moved and grateful! I have created a few of these pieces myself now, and I am growing addicted to the process! I want to move on to bigger canvases, mix my own palettes of color, and just pour my heart out!
The paintings I worked on with my sister while she was in town
For an example of the pieces we have been creating and the process it takes to complete them, here is a video that demonstrates the technique used.
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Today...
Today is a day, like every other day,
brimming with possibility. A day
to treat people with kindness
and respect. A day to move closer to
fulfilling your dreams. A day to forgive
yourself for absolutely everything.
A day to smile with gratitude.
Today is a day, like every other day,
to create the kind of life you want
to live, the kind that makes you feel
good and right, the kind of life
you were born to realize. Today.
-Scott Stabile
Author of BIG LOVE
Crabby Pants
Man, I am just not feeling it today. My guided meditation left me feeling disconnected and a little sad (it was regarding building and appreciating our communities of support we create for ourselves). My daily reading was about having The Courage to Join, also referencing connection to the universe as a whole, as honoring everything we come into contact with as family (a Native American philosophy on healing). My angel card was Responsibility.
The real story comes from a love-source
that cannot be understood with intellect, but
known only as a person is known.
-Coleman Barks
I just seem to have woken up in a bit of a funk. I've been trying to let whatever negative feelings I have bubble to the surface so they can have their moment in the place of honor, be acknowledged, then released. Talking about some very personal and difficult life experiences yesterday cracked open a can of vulnerability, and has been a catalyst for some of these other brooding, crabby thoughts to push forward.
As I logged into work this morning I noticed there was an update on the calendar. My co-worker is having his annual review today. I found myself seething a little... This would have been the appropriate time for my annual review as well, and the raise that had been promised and pushed back from the 60 day mark. Instead of a raise, I'm being replaced. I thought I had dealt with my initial feelings of betrayal last week, but today I find them popping back up and shadowing my mood. As I was reading along about the oneness of the universe, and all things being connected and beautiful, I caught myself frowning and thinking "yeah, until the universe takes a beautiful shit on your life and you're the one stuck cleaning it up." Clearly I am not in the most receptive, zen enlightened state at the moment. I feel prickly, and I'm trying to understand why.
I talked with a friend this morning, and in the course of that conversation I had a couple thoughts about why I seem to have stumbled myself right off the tracks. Part of it is the aftermath of caring for my parents. I have been stuck in a pretty constant state if unknowing and high stress for the past couple months. There have been important/significant losses along the way too. But as the seas of my life start to calm in this moment, I'm finding the transition to be a difficult one. I'm trying to down shift out of that higher gear that I have been functioning in for an extended period of time, and I'm just left feeling like the bottom has dropped out. I don't know what to do with myself at times, and it's a little unnerving. There are big changes on the horizon, and I'm coiled like a cat ready to pounce on those opportunities for change. But I have to wait. Not long, but I have to wait to act. I've been functioning on this high pitched, nearly frantic frequency, and I just have to be patient. Mom always said when I was little: Patience isn't the ability to wait. It's the ability to have a good attitude while waiting. She's not wrong. There is so much truth to that.
But every once in a while I'm just not in a great mood, and that's okay too.
Only now I don't have the same reaction as before. Previously, when bad moods hit, I would hide myself away, pretend everything was fine. Fester and scowl alone. Now I don't want to do that. I want to acknowledge that I'm in a bad mood, try to understand the why, and what can I do to change it? I don't want to hide myself away. If anything, I crave being near my friends more than anything right now. I need my community, my circle. And it is my responsibility to be the one to reach out, to say that I need support in this moment.
Okay Universe. I'm done being a crabby pants for now. And that shit you took? It's okay. Everybody poops. Lets work together to get it cleaned up.
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