Open Position

I guess I haven't had much to say lately. I've been doing my meditations and daily readings, I've spent a lot of time in prayer, and I've just been working on getting even keel again.

So of course I would have to answer a work call today where a woman said she had interviewed with my boss for the open position and would like to know next steps...

Open position?

Suddenly all the anonymous appointments on his calendar listed as "personal" made sense. Not only that, but my coworker has also been acting shady and secretive lately too. I felt completely hurt and betrayed that they would keep this from me.

The fact that they are interviewing doesn't bother me. We knew this was likely to be a temporary gig, and we made it last as long as we could. Without a hefty financial investment from my boss, I've really come about as far as I can. But I was supposed to be part of the process of finding my replacement, so to hold interviews behind my back really hurts. I trusted these people, and now I just feel stupid for doing so. I spoke to my boss and he assured me it isn't about performance, that all his clients love me, blah blah blah... But it's about distance. There is enough work in house that they need another body in the office to get things done. I get that. It still stings.

One of my recent readings was about being like a spring creek: flowing, flexible, and moving through things. When a branch crashes into a creek, it makes a little splash, but quickly settles back down and moves on. At times the creek will freeze over, and when the branches fall, the water breaks - shattering into sharp shards. But even those razor edged slivers of hurt and sadness will thaw back into the gentle creek.

I know right now I'm bristled from the initial shock of being blindsided by betrayal... That branch fell square into my frozen self, and a feel a little jarred and splintered because of it. But I also feel very calm, and have already forgiven by boss. His intentions, while misguided, really were good. He wanted to delay hurting my feelings, delay having to move on, delay letting me go.

But we can't always bury our head in the sand and will away a situation we don't want to deal with.

So now I get to start thinking about what to do next. Do I start looking for work now? Do I recollect all my medical records and attempt to file for disability again? Where do I go from here? I have a little time left at my current position... but now I need to start thinking about what to do with a little more urgency.

A Little Experiment

My son has an interest in plants. In the spring he is nearly giddy with the thought of going to a greenhouse to pick out flowers for the front yard. He has lately been trying to grow any seed he comes in contact with. I have encouraged his interest, and there have been many trials and errors (mostly errors) and he tries to figure out germination.

Our latest little experiment were orange seeds. He kept the seeds from an orange he ate at lunch and carefully wrapped them in paper to be transported home. We put the seeds on a damp paper towel in a drinking glass and popped that sucker on top of the fridge. We'd been checking the moisture every other day, and he'd been watching intently for any signs of growth.

But he is 8, and after the first couple weeks, he got tired of waiting and watching with very minimal result. He lost interest in his project and asked if we could try an avocado seed instead. I told him to be patient, that growth takes time. He sort of rolled his eyes at me, muttered "fine..." and walked away.

2 days ago, after continued monitoring by myself, 2 of our little seeds sprouted. One sent out a bold root, the other has minimal roots, but has put forth a tentative little leaf.

God has been merciful today by lining up the lessons of the day gently, softly... He's set down the frying pan just for today and I am so thankful and grateful! My reading today was about turning light into food. It touched briefly on photosynthesis in the plant world, but then reflected on the photosynthesis in our own lives: "The smallest plant life in spring reveals to us both the challenge of being a spirit in human form and the quiet courage necessary to grow inwardly." -Mark Nepo

We still might feed the dark thing in us

that grows away from the light

until against all sense

we mysteriously flower

in the other direction.

I may not be in full bloom, or even beginning to bud yet, but I hope to one day. I have hope, and that is a beautiful unfurling all on it's own. 

The little seeds have a long way to go, as do I. But today I transplanted them from their paper towel into a little pot of soil to offer support as they continue their journey of growth. I'm not sure what my metaphorical "pot of soil" is just yet... But I suspect I am planted exactly where I need to be to continue growing with confidence. 

Numbness

The line between living and watching is very thin. A moment's rest or pause for reflection can spread into a thickness of hesitation, and the next thing we know, reaching out or saying something or picking up the phone or stopping by unannounced is difficult, as if there is suddenly some huge wall to climb just to be heard...
...But when we obey the feelings of hesitation and separation more powerfully than those of love, we start to experience numbness and depression.

Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening, April 9th reading excerpts

Numbness. Numbness is what kept me alive for several years. The ability to wrap myself into a cocoon of depression and numbness to block out enough to keep me sane. But numbness is also what kept me from really living too. I've been so embarrassed by the hold depression had on me for so long. I have seen and felt the frustration of my loved ones as they watched me flounder along, so desperately unhappy, yet also unable to take control and really do something about it. "Why haven't you done this seemingly simple thing to be free and to finally be happy yet?" 

Because I couldn't. There isn't a single explanation or reason. I just... couldn't. 

But things have changed. I'm taking the concrete steps I need to take to get it together, and get it done. I am no longer a prisoner of depression and numbness. I am no longer simply trying to survive. I'm finally ready to live. 

Speaking of living... Having spent a little quality time with death, I think there are a few important things I've discovered/remembered/accepted this week especially: 

I'm not afraid of death. Me and death seem to be friendly acquaintances now. Not quite friends, but we do that head nod thing at gatherings to acknowledge each other. I flinch at the uncertainty of certain aspects of death, but I'm not afraid of dying. Don't get me wrong, death still sucks for the most part, but the simple act of the body ceasing to function and the spirit moving forward in grace is natural and beautiful to me. It's the emotional aftermath part of the surviving parties that pushes me towards those feelings of uncertainty or anxiety. My subconscious has been playing some pretty strange tricks on me lately while I'm trying to sleep, and I've had a very specific dream twice now. It always ends the same, and I always wake with a feeling of not belonging. Perhaps feeling like I don't belong is where my fear lies. 

I am learning to embrace uncertainty. If nothing else, last week was a reminder of the truth that nothing on this earth is solid. Everything is transitory. Everything is constantly changing, whether we're aware of it or not, and whether we like it or not. Life is just one phase and change after another, and while there were times I have felt myself getting sucked under with the enormity of it all coming at me seemingly at once, I have fully allowed myself to embrace my faith - the one solid constant in the flux of a life chaotic. In the calm and stillness of the eye of the storm, that is where God is. 

I'm stronger than I thought. In the past I questioned my own strength and hid in my depression to avoid doing the hard work. But now that I've stepped forward into my life, I've realized that I am much stronger than I previously gave myself credit for. Or perhaps I'm just stronger now than I was before. Either way, I am beginning to appreciate my capabilities a little bit more every day. 

Numbness was my escapist addiction. I don't need it or even want anything to do with it anymore. I have grown to love feeling, and I never want it to go away. I want to experience and embrace it all. "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." Rainer Maria Rilke

Wow. I'm really tired now. Perhaps tonight I will have sweet dreams (or none at all) as I've allowed myself to vent some of my inner swirling thoughts. Release the pressure valve a bit! 

What Do You Do Then?

Take notice of whats happening in the mind. This moment is nothing other than your life. This is whats happening right now. It's actually quite profound. So if you find yourself resisting something that is going on, or wanting to feel a certain way, to feel peaceful or quiet, remember that's not the point of practice. If we're trying to make something happen, we're not accepting what's in this moment. And when we reject our present moment experience, we're creating a new sort of suffering. Open to each moment, without expectation, so there is a continual letting go of the past as each new moment emerges. Welcome each moment, whatever it looks like. Welcome it if it's messy or confusing or busy or uncomfortable. Accept each moment as it is.  

Today I'd like to talk about the difficulty of acceptance and to explore this theme, I'll share a question I was recently asked, which is: There's one mindfulness principle I really struggle with. I know we're supposed to live in the present, but what if the present is horrible? What do you do then? So this is a very important question and I want to offer my empathy and support to anyone who is enduring difficulty or suffering of any kind. Its a monumental challenge to stay present when whats in our experience is painful. There's never a reason to accept the present if there's something we can do to change it. But the fact is, sometimes change isn't possible. Often whatever is taking place is happening whether we like it or not! So we have 3 choices as to how to respond. We can either choose to accept a situation, we can change it, or we can leave. Sometimes we can find opportunities to change a situation. When destitute, we can seek help. When in pain, we can seek a remedy. We always want to make skillful decisions to improve our circumstances. Or make the wise decision to leave our situation when appropriate. But sometimes there's simply nothing we can do about our circumstances. And when we can't leave, and the situation won't change, all we can do is accept. Because if we don't accept, we're resisting, and that resistance simply amplifies our suffering. If we're experiencing pain or bearing a hardship, the kindest most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to get present, and to gently move into acceptance. And this doesn't mean that we should sit down and surrender. It means facing our circumstances with honesty and compassion. It means saying Okay, this is what's happening right now and rather than adding to my suffering by resisting what is, I'll embrace the present, understanding that all things will eventually change. As Wayne Dyer poetically stated, "Enlightenment is the quiet acceptance of what is."

Tamara Levitt, Daily Calm Meditation

I've been trying very hard to practice my mindfulness techniques while navigating my way through this past week. It has completely flown by, at an uncomfortable rate, and I'm just now starting to really allow myself to acknowledge and feel and experience everything that has happened. I've tried so hard to remain present each step of the way, but in that presence I also held back a little - deeming certain times more appropriate than others to really allow myself to be present AND to fully embrace how I was feeling in that present moment. It's a work in progress, but I also needed to be functional!

When asked how I've been feeling, the first thought that comes to mind is restless. Experiencing today's meditation made me realize that is isn't just restlessness, it's resistance. Resistance to acknowledge how I'm feeling, resistance to vocalize how I'm feeling, resistance to accept how I'm feeling... and the helplessness that comes with not being able to do a damn thing about any of it. I am sitting in the middle of that "challenging experience" and I've been struggling with letting go of it all. Accepting what is. Really looking at where things are for me. I have to stop trying to force myself to feel one way, just as I have to stop holding myself back from feeling another. Simply accepting what is in this present moment. 

The Courage of the Seed

Mark Nepo - The Book of Awakening; April 5th

The Courage of the Seed

All the buried seeds
crack open in the dark
the instant they surrender
to a process they can't see.

What a powerful lesson is the beginning of spring. All around us, everything small and buried surrenders to a process that none of the buried parts can see. And this innate surrender allows everything edible and fragrant to break ground into a life of light that we call spring. 

In nature, we are quietly given countless models of how to give ourselves over to what appears to be dark and hopeless, but which ultimately is an awakening that is beyond all imagining. Moving through the dark into blossom is the threshold to God. 

As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or a hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace. The courage of the seed is that once cracking, it cracks all the way. 

It's been an interesting couple of days. My sister sent me a quote early yesterday, and it resonates with the universal message of "courage" that seems to be springing up for me this week.

"Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest." -Maya Angelou

I'm struggling to find the words for what I experienced yesterday. The funeral was very different... It was a catholic ceremony in the church they have attended for over 30 years. They were active members, so the priest knew him well. He was also a veteran, and a very active member of the Legion Riders, so the parish was filled with men and women either in dress blues, or wearing their leather biker vests with pride. Sprinkle in a couple parish blue haired ladies and other family and friends. It was an interesting gathering of people, but the love was there. I didn't shed any tears during the visitation. And the moment that got me at the funeral was when they were folding the flag to present to his wife. These were not young soldiers... These were old veterans, their hands and bodies crooked with age and arthritis. They took such care folding that flag - ceremoniously removing every crease and wrinkle. You could see the pain in their hands nearly matched the pain in their hearts. This was their friend. It was beautiful and also devastating to watch. After the presentation of the flag, there was a 21 gun salute outside the church. 

I'm not going to get into my feelings on mixing church and state. That is a topic for another day... But the way they were able to incorporate 2 things that meant so much to him - his faith and his country - into one ceremony was quite beautiful. 

Afterwards I bit the bullet and went to the mercy luncheon held at the Legion post. The mean lady was there. She's one of the bartenders and my heart definitely softened towards her. I said nothing to her, and the family is unaware of the previous event. They don't ever need to know, and I have let it go. I spent the afternoon with family and friends, everyone visibly exhausted, but also a little relieved. 

After the funeral stuff was done, I spent a little time with additional family and friends, taking a few moments to celebrate my birthday. 

Last night as I was considering going to bed, my brother called and asked if he could swing by. He said he felt awful for not wishing me a happy birthday all day, and I told him it wasn't a problem. He had bigger things on his mind and I wasn't offended in the slightest. He apologized again, thinking he had somehow disappointed me. This wasn't the first apology I had gotten about my birthday that day, but I really tried to express to him (and to others) that I got to spend my day surrounded by my favorite people, even for a little while, so it was a good birthday. He said he really appreciated me stepping up and helping him navigate through the past 4 days. 

We looked at each other and just understood... This was the practice run for our own father. 

And as I listened to my father vomiting yet again this morning, the reality of his frailty is really starting to sink in. One step forward, two steps back... And as I witnessed with my SIL's father, it could all go sideways in a hurry. 2 weeks ago the oncologist gave him "maybe 3 years." It wasn't even 3 weeks later and he was gone. Things could move very quickly with my father, but I feel comfort knowing that my brother and I make a good team - and my sister is an excellent ring leader! When my father passes, I have confidence in my siblings and I to take care of what needs to be taken care of - to do as much as possible so my mother doesn't have to worry. 

Maybe courage comes forward in this experience after all. We are all cracking open in the darkness of the unknown... 

A Blessing For Grief

When you lose someone you love,

Your life becomes strange,

The ground beneath you gets fragile,

Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;

And some dead echo drags your voice down

Where words have no confidence.

Your heart has grown heavy with loss;

And though this loss has wounded others too,

No one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret

For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;

Again inside the fullness of life,

Until the moment breaks

And you are thrown back

Onto the black tide of loss.

Days when you have your heart back,

You are able to function well

Until in the middle of work or encounter,

Suddenly with no warning,

You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.

All you can depend on now is that

Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.

More than you, it knows its way

And will find the right time

To pull and pull the rope of grief

Until that coiled hill of tears

Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance

With the invisible form of your departed;

And when the work of grief is done,

The wound of loss will heal

And you will have learned

To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air

And be able to enter the hearth

In your soul where your loved one

Has awaited your return

All the time.

-John O'Donohue

We Share the Same River

From Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening - April 2

I was traveling in South Africa and felt very tender one morning, when my friend Kim came upon me as I was weeping. She asked if I was okay. I told her it was only the waters of life splashing up my shore. Later that day, I found her near tears and checked in with her. She said, "The river's now in me."
We looked into each other and realized that we all share the same river. If flows beneath us and through us, from one dry heart to the next. We share the same river. It makes the Earth one living thing.
The whole of life has a power to soften and open us against our will, to irrigate our spirits, and in those moments, we discover that tears, the water from within, are a common blood, mysterious and clear. We may speak different languages and live very different lives, but when that deep water swells to the surface, it pulls us to each other.
We share the same river, and where it enters, we lose our stubbornness the way fists wear open when held under in the stream of love.

The river's now in me.