Joy/Grief

 Well, I made it through the viewing without losing my cool. I kept my past to myself, tho I'm sure Andy would have loved to see his brothers face should they find out. We used to joke about it when he was alive. 

I stayed after almost an hour talking with a dear friend outside. We talked about anything and everything and I admitted to her how I was feeling... and why. I then told her that I felt like I was an imposter since I had so much joy in my life, and so much to be thankful for... why did it feel like another sucker punch to feel such grief too?

She said my feelings were valid, even though I've moved on and am in a healthy, happy relationship. I had it stuck in my head that I could either feel grief, or I could feel joy - but not both at the same time. Then today I stumbled across the following quote:

I have so much to learn about my own emotional complexity. 

I thanked J today for always being a safe place for me. He said "that's how it's supposed to be." But I told him that sometimes I forget, and I want him to know that I see it and moreso appreciate it. He is so gentle and patient with me, and I'm just starting to get comfortable with ADMITTING that this is exactly what I need and deserve. THIS is what it's supposed to be like. 

I can feel exceptional joy for the love I experience in the present, while I mourn the loss of someone I cared about in the past.