A Misunderstanding

 I can't sleep. I've had a sinking feeling since yesterday, and I'm trying to figure out why.

I reached out to Andy's wife a couple days ago to offer her what I have of Andy's books. She politely declined. I then saw she had posted a request for snail mail, and I asked if I could participate. She said yes, but seemed confused/irritated that I would want to. She then admitted she thought I was intentionally not speaking to her at the visitation. 

Oh God. No, no, no... I told her it wasn't intentional by any means! There were a couple times I moved to approach her, but she moved away - I took it as a non-verbal "I've had enough" and didn't want to press. She took it as me snubbing her. I'm glad I had the chance to clear the air, and she said she was glad it was a misunderstanding of the situation. 

I've felt pretty awful about it since. On what I can only assume is one of the hardest, saddest days of her life, by being respectful of her space in my mind, I was intentionally being hurtful in hers. 

I do know that I was stuck in my own head for a good chunk of the time I was there. It was awkward and overwhelming, seeing people I haven't seen or spoken to in 20+ years... most of which were friends of my sister anyways. I will forever have the label of "Becky's Little Sister." The intimidation factor alone of just being there was enough to make me cling to a corner and stick with familiar faces. If she reached out to talk and I somehow missed the cue, I feel horrible just thinking about it. 

As I am working on some self awareness, I acknowledge that I may have inadvertantly fucked up. However, I also know myself, and I don't have the capability of intentionally shitting on a grieving widow at a visitation. It was a misunderstanding on both our parts, and beating myself up about how I shoulda/coulda done things differently doesn't change it. I explained myself and offered to get coffee sometime as an invitation for friendship. 

I'd love to be able to sleep though. Not so much while I'm on the couch. This Christmas was a quiet one and a pretty weird one. We are all quarantined and separated and I miss my family. I miss J too. I pulled off a Christmas feast on the fly, and had enough to share. Spent some time playing animal crossing online with one of my coworkers. It will be nice to have the following week off of work too. Maybe I just need to get out of my head and relax. Holidays stress me out, and after a major covid scare, I'm pretty tapped out emotionally. Covid fatigue, as the kids are calling it.