I have so many thoughts jumbled up in my brain right now. I wanted to dedicate separate posts to each event, as they are individually significant, but my brain is too scattered, and my ability to privately write things out fully is limited.
It's only Wednesday, but the last 5 days has felt like an eternity.
It started off with Saturday night. I was curled up in the arms of of my love (that's a whole other post... I'll get to it) and we were just chatting about nothing. We somehow got on the topic of phone technology and the advent of camera phones. The topic of my rape in college came up and I told the story. Nothing other than just how it happened. They gave me a hug and we both got quiet. I was starting to cave in on myself, thinking about it and they gently asked "Do you like to travel? What is your favorite city or destination?" It snapped me right out of it. I chatted about Rome and Stonehenge and Greece and all kinds of ancient ruins... They held me so tight from behind and buried their face in my neck as they listened to me talk - held me while I came back into myself. They recognized that I was going under, drowning in my own memories and they threw me a lifeline. I am so incredibly grateful to have someone in my life who sees me. Gets me. And holds me gently as I come back up for air.
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Last night a friend of mines mother succumbed to coronavirus. He himself is still in the hospital, trying to recover. My heart breaks for him and his family. He has a long road ahead of him in recovery, and I pray that the loss of his mother does not bring his own recovery to a halt. He has overcome so much in the last 2 years, yet I'm afraid for him.
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I've been working since January to get things squared away with our health insurance. I'm frustrated and exhausted and just burned out with being the only "grown up" that has to handle the grown up things. We are on the verge of losing our coverage yet again, and I seem to be the only person who can fix it. I'm out of energy. I'm so spent in regards to having to be the only one in charge of the "hard" things that I'm running out of patience. I can't hold D's hand while he files for unemployment. No one was there to walk me through it when I applied. I've asked him to help or participate - be involved in the health insurance process. I asked him to help fund the insurance a little, but he has declined to do that, since my job was paying an allowance towards insurance premiums. Why offer to help pay when I can just take care of it for him? My frustration came to a head today and I attempted to go upstairs for a little privacy to make some phone calls into the state and the insurance marketplace - and this is when he decides he has to be upstairs too, folding laundry. There just isn't ANYWHERE in this house that I can have any privacy.
On a walk the other day with Gwen, we were talking about our dream houses. She said she wanted to live in a house big enough for me to have my own space. "I don't like that you have to sleep on the couch, and that you don't have anywhere to call your own space. I want that for you in our dream house."
She knows the way things currently are is not the way they should or could be.
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I have more to say, but I'm on the verge of tears again, and I keep struggling to keep back the tears. I'm afraid if I let them start, I won't be able to stop for a long time. Maybe I need a good cry? But now just isn't the right time. I don't feel comfortable enough or safe enough to cry in front of the kids or their father.
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