Baking Bread

Who could have foreseen how different life would be in one month? Covid19 has derailed the whole worlds plans for the foreseeable future. Michigan is being hit particularly hard, and I'm finding myself hesitant to go on social media - fearful of who is no longer with us... tired of the finger pointing and blame game of politics. Everyone is on edge and its overwhelming to bare witness to the collective fear of the whole world.

So I bake bread.

I focus all my energy into the measuring, the mixing, and the baking. I wrap myself in the warmth and aroma of fresh bread, and find comfort in something so easy and basic.

I'm not making fancy artisan breads. I've mostly been making rolls. That way I'm not inhaling the end product in one sitting. Spreading it out over a couple days. Just yeast rolls and sour dough rolls. Keeping it simple.

I've been cooking a lot lately too. Most of the meals, actually. I'd forgotten how much I used to love to cook. I still hate the dishes, and am now the main person to do those too.

I'm trying to keep my frustration with my living situation under control. The more time I'm forced to be in close proximity to my spouse, the more I am bryond 100% sure that I am making the right decision pursuing the divorce of our marriage. We are trapped under the same roof and I am done. I'm not angry or spiteful, I'm just done. And that's okay. I suspect there will be lots of people who are going to pursue divorce after being quarantined with their spouses.

So I bake bread.

I take my frustration out on the punching and kneading. I handle the dough in my hands and work it over. I transform my frustration into something useful and constructive. I have something to show for it in the end. It lowers my blood pressure- which has been pretty high lately.

I'm taking inventory in what keeps me calm, what helps take the edge off my anxiety, and who shows up to check in on my heart. I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm trying to cherish the extra time with my children.

Perhaps I'll spend more time writing too.