Stories

We have these engraved stories about who we are. Some of them are positive stories, others not so much. These stories can go way back into our past and are often formed by a parent, a friend, a boss or colleague. Sometimes all it takes is one persons opinion to create a story that can last a lifetime. Someone says something that makes us decide we're not smart, that we're unattractive, that we're weak, that we're a failure. From the moment that story begins, it continues to dictate our beliefs. It forms and limits our ideas about who we are, what we're good at, and what we're not. The stories we tell ourselves inform us of what risks we should and shouldn't take. If these beliefs make us feel self critical, insecure, or doubtful about our competency, we often second guess ourselves and lose self trust and courage. Sometimes we need to change our stories, and that starts by challenging them. We can do this with some reflective inquiry. We can ask, who created that story? When was it created? Is it entirely true? Does that story serve us to sustain? If not, can we let it go? And slowly, over time, we begin to tell ourselves new stories. Fresh stories that build our confidence in growth. Stories that are empowering and will provide us the opportunity to be the best version of ourselves. As Maryann Williamson said, "Let go of your story, so the universe can write a new one for you." Take a moment now to consider what stories you've been carrying and are ready to release. 

Tamara Levitt - Daily Calm

A New Response

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace

I was trying to decide how I've been feeling the last 24 hours or so. I'm not feeling what I anticipated I would, and it's a new sensation for me.

The week of February 22 typically is an emotionally shut down one for me, as I remember the day that Joe died and offer silent prayers to his surviving family and friends. This year feels different. His roommate put up a Facebook charitable event for his birthday (also the 22nd), donations going towards the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I would have donated anonymously if I could, but I at least changed the settings so only myself and the roommate could see it. It's not a donation I'm ready to make publicly, but it's a charity I wasn't emotionally ready to support before now. But I did so, and it felt good to honor Joe's memory (and his roommates birthday) by helping others to choose a different path.

A couple hours later another ghost of my past crept out of the woodwork, letting me know that his mother had just passed away by suicide. Oddly enough, I wasn't surprised or shocked by this news. I had a feeling for a long time this was coming, but I offered my condolences just the same, as losing a parent is never a minor thing, and losing someone you love to suicide adds a whole other level of complicated feelings. In the past my reaction would have been to be triggered. To tailspin in my own grief, yet saying nothing, and going above and beyond to try to help this person from my past.

But I didn't.

I said my condolences and I let it be.

I didn't obsessively look for obituaries, stalk social media for whether or not he was lying (which was usually the case in the past), or offer to meet him to talk. I said I was sorry for his loss, which I am, and I let it go. All the rest of it isn't any of my business. This is a different approach for me, and I'm thankful for it.

I feel... Okay.

It's now a time to reflect on everything I've learned and overcome, and I do so without panic, anxiety, or overwhelming negativity. I will not say that I am finally "over it," but my reflections on the matter have changed. I feel more comfortable with talking about it. I feel more at ease with acknowledging things as they arise, and then being able to let them go. There isn't a frantic urgency in my brain that makes me freeze, utterly paralyzed with fear.

In this present moment, I am standing in a different place than I was before. My perceptions are a little different. My reactions a little more thoughtful and a little less auto-reactionary/negative. I am practicing more self awareness and loving kindness.

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace

Change

Today in meditation I explored how the nature of change makes life impossible to predict. Everything is constantly in a forward momentum, and the only thing that determines whether it is fortuitous or unfortunate is my reaction.

I did get a little down last night, but this morning I woke with a renewed spirit of gratitude. I am so lucky to have 2 places that need my help in this present moment that are willing to pay me for my time. So I am shifting my focus a bit on who I'm helping when, but I'm still going to help both. This will help my financial situation tremendously. Perhaps it is "unfortunate" that both positions are short term, but on the other hand, this might end up being a complete blessing too. It is too soon to make that sort of judgement, and quite frankly I don't want to extend any more negative energy on it.

The bad news is nothing lasts forever. 

 
The good news is nothing lasts forever. 

I'm getting more and more comfortable with the impermanence of... well... everything. I somehow seem to get thrown curve balls a lot, but I'm getting better at thoughtfully stepping out of the way of them, rather than getting drilled when I "didn't see it coming" and then bitching and complaining about my misfortune and pain for a great while after.

My interest in self sabotage and hurt is dwindling. Now THAT is something I can recognize with certainty as fortuitous!

Or Not...

So that unraveled faster than I anticipated. Apparently the former boss held 2 interviews this week and is having the candidates submit writing samples and will likely make an offer by the end of the week.

I just got my login information yesterday.

I've been staring at my computer all morning waiting for my access to update so I could start actually working.

I could have been helping out at the chiropractor, WHERE THEY ACTUALLY NEEDED ME TODAY.

I'm frustrated. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm trying to detach myself and look at why I am feeling the way that I am. Being disappointed and frustrated are completely normal and legitimate emotional responses. It's okay and understandable for me to be feeling this way.

And while there is the little voice in the back of my head that is smirking, laughing in disgust at my excitement that I deserved to have something go right, I've noticed a change there. It's a little voice. It's not an ominous din. It's little and I see it and I acknowledge it's presence, which sends it hissing away.

My last several meditations have been exceptionally appropriate in providing me with awareness, healthy coping mechanisms, and perspective, given my current circumstance.

The first was on Sophrosyne:

Whether it's electronics, clothes, or indulgent food, our days are filled with ever increasing forms of consumption. Perhaps we do it to cope with busyness, or numb ourselves from stress or anxiety. Maybe we're enticed by images in entertainment, in advertising and social media. But if we don't challenge these impulses and influences, we end up overeating, binge watching, or buying things we don't really need. Sophrosyne is an ancient Greek word that describes a healthy approach to moderation based on a deep sense of self awareness. This philosophy begins by acknowledging our excesses, and then mindfully recognizing the difference between need and want. Once we recognize how and why we over consume, sophrosyne suggests that we focus on what we will gain, rather than what we will lose, by changing our habits. With this mindset, moderation isn't a constraint on our wishes and pleasures, but rather it's a source of balance of health and peace. Of course, change takes time and effort, and it's important we face our excesses with patience and compassion, especially if we slip up. So the next time you have the urge to watch, or shop, or feast, keep in mind the philosophy of sophrosyne. Start by asking, is this a need? Or a want? Imagine the peace of mind you'll gain if you invest your afternoon in activity that's truly meaningful. Consider the money you'll save when your budget prioritizes needs over indulgences. Think of the extra space you'll have in your home without clutter. Mindful moderation helps us create contentment as we reap the benefits of increased health, savings, and wisdom. "Out of moderation, a pure happiness springs." 

What does this have to do with a job being pulled out from under my feet again? Plenty! Rather than focusing on the "have not's" of this situation and being overwhelmed to the point of eating my feelings, I'm instead going to focus on what I DO have. A place to work temporarily while I continue my search for the next best thing. I have a place to stay (several, actually). I have food in my belly. My children are provided for and I have just enough to get by. I do not have a need for clothes, going out to eat, or splurging in many other ways, so I am able to comfortably keep things to a minimum. To live in moderation without feeling like I am living in uncomfortable restraint.

Another was on the Wishing Tree. It's an old story, that deep in a forest there lived a wishing tree, and that whatever you thought about, it was granted. A home, fortune, and a beautiful spouse were all granted to a man one day because it was what he thought he wished for. But when he started to doubt his luck, to think that he wasn't worthy of such wonderful things, the tree took them away. He thought he wasn't worthy, and so he wasn't. So he walked away, grumbling under his breath that nothing good ever happened to him. He chose not to stay present, to be content and deserving of the positive things in his life, and so he lost them.

I don't want to be that man. I was once like that man, but I no longer have to be. I have so many other things to be grateful for in my life, that another job falling apart doesn't make me unworthy of deserving all the things that are going right and falling into place.

Am I frustrated? Yes.
Am I disappointed? Yes.

But these are temporary, and I am still so loved, so deserving and worthy of great things, regardless of a minor financial setback.