2022 Ends With A Bang

 Yesterday I severely dislocated my knee. My left knee. The knee I had surgically reconstructed 20 years ago. 

It was bad. I knew it was bad when I hit the ground. I popped it back and KNEW it wasn't right. This isn't one I can simply walk off. Hell, I couldn't "walk" at all. One million dollar ambulance ride later, and they confirmed I got it back in, but will require an MRI and surgical consult. 

It makes me sick to my stomach. I'm going to miss work. Surgery will be so hard on me. I'm not sure how I'll see my kids or J or how I'll manage, quite frankly. I just want to curl up on J's couch, but I can't drive. I can't do anything but lay here and be kind and gracious and pretend everything is fine while I'm rapidly dying on the inside. I have already endured 31 years of this constant pain (starting at 11), the hyper vigilance of each step I take. 31 years of fear, of pain, of no way to make it stop. 

It will never stop. 

Doug proved long ago that he couldn't handle it. That he didn't want to handle it. It was scary and hard and it was beyond him. I'm terrified it will be too much for J too. He's already on edge with so much of his own stuff. I frankly wouldn't blame him, but fuck I can't imagine a life without him.

I'm so scared. 

I debated briefly saying something on fb, but I don't need pity, and that's all it would be. It's not the social community for me as it is for others. And what point would crawling out of the social media woodwork do? Nothing. But damn I do feel pretty lonely and stuck in my own head. 

Merry Christmas

Where To Start

 I was seeing a therapist for the last several months, but they are taking a sabbatical from practicing, so I am taking a sabbatical from therapy. I'm trying to find my way through life currently, and while it occasionally feels overwhelming, I've also survived 100% of my worst days - so there's that! 

I'd like to start writing again, but I'm also not entirely sure how to collect my thoughts. I tend to have these great ideas to write about, but then when I sit down to actually start, the idea of *actually* writing is overwhelming. I'm just not sure where to start. Maybe a daily prompt would help get the ball rolling. 

Well, I can't find one I like, so lets just recap some things going on in my life. I have reconnected with a friend from high school, and it was really nice just getting a coffee and chatting about how both of us have no idea how we got where we are in our lives. I've also reconnected with another friend I used to be so close with, and it's like a breath of fresh air having them back in my life. 

I've also started creating some space in a relationship that used to be very close - for my own mental health. It has been morphing into a one sided relationship, where all they do is talk and vent and ask for things. I've been exceptionally accommodating for many years, but my tolerance and patience has worn thin. So I've been less accommodating, and they have acknowledged that they are not being a great friend and promised to do better. One week after said promises, and nothing has changed. They acknowledged that too, but they also said that they are going to treat themselves with grace, that they are doing the best they can, and that is all they can offer at this time. So I have taken a step back and will give myself a little space and grace to admit that I'm exhausted and need a break. 

Things with J continue to move along at a comfortable pace. We hold space for each other and support each other while facing life's trials, together. I feel like I really do have a partner, a safe space, and that I have the right person in my life. We still have a few obstacles to get over before we can be together publicly, mostly of my own doing, but we are working through those too. 

There's always good with the bad. And I'm willing to acknowledge both! 

You Don't Make Me

 You Don't Make Me

You don't make me smile.

You don't make me feel safe. 

You don't make me a better person.

You don't make me happy. 

But you look at me with such a warmth in your gaze I can't help but smile. 

You hold me in your arms and as I breathe you in I feel completely safe in your embrace. 

You listen patiently and hold my hand as I work my way out of generations of trauma and hurt, growing into the best version of myself. 

You look at me, you hold me, you listen to me... and my heart swells and occasionally overflows out of my eyes with what can only be called respect, gratitude, and joy. 

You don't MAKE me feel or do anything... but you show up everyday, exactly as you are and allow me to show up, exactly as I am... 

And it just works. 

Anniversary #8

Today is supposed to be a monumental historical day. 02-22-22. Lots of fanfare about it being a once in a lifetime event, angel numbers galore, and it being a day of opening intuition and spiritual awareness.

But my heart just feels heavy. It's the 8 year anniversary of finding Joe post suicide by shotgun. It's also the 17th anniversary of my favorite Aunt passing away. I've been teetering on the verge of tears all afternoon, and I want nothing more than a hug from J. That isn't possible this evening, as Ding Dong is going to a movie with a friend. He has no idea what today means to me, even though I have reminded him on multiple occasions why this date in particular is difficult for me sometimes, so of course he has chosen this day to go out. It's not important to him, so it's not important. 

My divorce is finally getting some traction, with no help of Ding Dong. My lawyer has filed multiple motions for a default ruling on my divorce (meaning he refuses to respond or participate, so give me whatever I ask for). The motion for default is scheduled for March 9th. My hearing is scheduled for March 29th. God willing, I may actually be divorced for my birthday. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm not giving up either. We are so close to the end. It will mean BIG changes around here, but I'm ready. I'm so incredibly ready to get on with my life. He won't see it as a good thing, and that's fine. His response is not my responsibility. 

I'm hopeful that my kids don't fight with me about getting ready for bed. I just want to hide in sleep, but I can't do that until they care safely tucked in bed. 

I should do a meditation or focus on something else, but I just don't have it in me. My conversation with J was cut short today on the phone, and it made me sad too. He's dealing with his own stuff lately, and I know we have been a source of comfort for each other. He's been at a meeting and now happy hour mixer with a company he is considering joining. It's been a quieter day than normal lately, but I'm really proud of him for taking some initiative about building his career. 

Maybe I need a piece of chocolate and some brainless tv. 

Wonder Seeker

 Alright 2022. Here we are. Normally I'd do a recap of the year, but this year feels different. Rather than dwell on the past, I've decided to devote this moment to the present. 

My sister sent me a book for Christmas called Wonder Seeker. It's 52 activities to reconnect with creativity and find joy. I've decided to complete one activity a week. Whether I chronicle these adventures Here or not are yet to be determined, but its something to look forward to. 

Yay creativity and joy! Perhaps my theme for 2022? We shall see!

A Misunderstanding

 I can't sleep. I've had a sinking feeling since yesterday, and I'm trying to figure out why.

I reached out to Andy's wife a couple days ago to offer her what I have of Andy's books. She politely declined. I then saw she had posted a request for snail mail, and I asked if I could participate. She said yes, but seemed confused/irritated that I would want to. She then admitted she thought I was intentionally not speaking to her at the visitation. 

Oh God. No, no, no... I told her it wasn't intentional by any means! There were a couple times I moved to approach her, but she moved away - I took it as a non-verbal "I've had enough" and didn't want to press. She took it as me snubbing her. I'm glad I had the chance to clear the air, and she said she was glad it was a misunderstanding of the situation. 

I've felt pretty awful about it since. On what I can only assume is one of the hardest, saddest days of her life, by being respectful of her space in my mind, I was intentionally being hurtful in hers. 

I do know that I was stuck in my own head for a good chunk of the time I was there. It was awkward and overwhelming, seeing people I haven't seen or spoken to in 20+ years... most of which were friends of my sister anyways. I will forever have the label of "Becky's Little Sister." The intimidation factor alone of just being there was enough to make me cling to a corner and stick with familiar faces. If she reached out to talk and I somehow missed the cue, I feel horrible just thinking about it. 

As I am working on some self awareness, I acknowledge that I may have inadvertantly fucked up. However, I also know myself, and I don't have the capability of intentionally shitting on a grieving widow at a visitation. It was a misunderstanding on both our parts, and beating myself up about how I shoulda/coulda done things differently doesn't change it. I explained myself and offered to get coffee sometime as an invitation for friendship. 

I'd love to be able to sleep though. Not so much while I'm on the couch. This Christmas was a quiet one and a pretty weird one. We are all quarantined and separated and I miss my family. I miss J too. I pulled off a Christmas feast on the fly, and had enough to share. Spent some time playing animal crossing online with one of my coworkers. It will be nice to have the following week off of work too. Maybe I just need to get out of my head and relax. Holidays stress me out, and after a major covid scare, I'm pretty tapped out emotionally. Covid fatigue, as the kids are calling it. 

Joy/Grief

 Well, I made it through the viewing without losing my cool. I kept my past to myself, tho I'm sure Andy would have loved to see his brothers face should they find out. We used to joke about it when he was alive. 

I stayed after almost an hour talking with a dear friend outside. We talked about anything and everything and I admitted to her how I was feeling... and why. I then told her that I felt like I was an imposter since I had so much joy in my life, and so much to be thankful for... why did it feel like another sucker punch to feel such grief too?

She said my feelings were valid, even though I've moved on and am in a healthy, happy relationship. I had it stuck in my head that I could either feel grief, or I could feel joy - but not both at the same time. Then today I stumbled across the following quote:

I have so much to learn about my own emotional complexity. 

I thanked J today for always being a safe place for me. He said "that's how it's supposed to be." But I told him that sometimes I forget, and I want him to know that I see it and moreso appreciate it. He is so gentle and patient with me, and I'm just starting to get comfortable with ADMITTING that this is exactly what I need and deserve. THIS is what it's supposed to be like. 

I can feel exceptional joy for the love I experience in the present, while I mourn the loss of someone I cared about in the past.