Feeling... something?

I have not exactly been in the best place lately. My CoDA work has stalled a little lately, but I've maintained doing my meditations and selecting angel cards. My sleep schedule is all off and I have been feeling pretty depressed. I just haven't felt like me lately. More hollow. More alone in my own skin.

I accepted a recent friend request that I am now regretting.

Just the thought of a "friend request" makes me sick to my stomach. Friend request? We haven't been "friends" for a little while now, entirely by their choice, and now they want to extend a shallow olive branch via Facebook with still no words attached? What, they want to share how deliriously happy they are and expect me to just smile and bare witness? I'm happy they are happy. That doesn't mean I have to look at it or stand near it. I dont have to subject myself to constant reminders of how I'm not what they wanted, and the disgusting way my friendship was so thoughtlessly disposed of. Promises were broken. There is no trust there. They WERE a good friend.

Now? We are no longer friends.

I've since unfriended them. There was no reason for me to accept other than to hurt myself. I dont want to do that anymore. I have no room in my life for superficial and fake relationships.

My ex from MN has also moved on and is now deliriously happy as well. I've since reblocked him on social media as well.

I'm fucking tired of feeling like I'm "not worthy" to these people I once loved and trusted.

What they fail to realize is that I am awake now...

They are not worthy of ME.

Run along with your world changing happiness. It is no different than it has ever been. Those previous destructive patterns are alive and well within them, clouded by the distraction or self lies that just because it's a shiney new person/circumstance, the outcome will be different.

Perhaps they'll think I'm just bitter and jaded. But in truth, I no longer give a fuck what they think. I see the patterns. The self righteous boasts, the absolute obsessiveness... I see it now from the outside in. I've been there and done that too. It's a big chunk of my own codependency. But I dont have to subject myself to it and bare witness on their behalf... I have a choice.

No thank you. I'll pass.

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My card was communication.

Did you know that "no" is a complete sentence? Crazy, right?