Closure?

This week at work has been so busy, and I have been having such allergy related issues that I've basically been working and then passing out in a benadryl induced coma. Not a great combo for getting anything else done or reaching out to my friends. There were a few really excellent job postings forwarded by my best friend that I finally had a chance to review more closely, and I started journaling again after a couple days off. I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed by it all, but I'm feeling a little better. Baby steps. I dont have to conquer every aspect all at once!

I heard from my ex tonight and was offered an explanation for why he just stopped speaking to me and dropped me like a hot rock. "Us together is a toxic combination. It's not you. It's not me. It's just us together. We trigger the neediest, most toxic behaviors in each other. We spent 2 days together and both instantly regressed. Im still trying to recover from it and that isnt healthy. I talked to my therapist and I just dont see a healthy way forward, and that's okay."

He's right.

I thanked him for his honesty and wished him well. I feel a little better (less abandoned maybe?) understanding where he is coming from, and I'm ready to let that part of my life go. It's in the past and I dont live there anymore.

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I've spoken to my family about my commitment to CoDA, and they are all in support of me attending my meetings and getting the mental help I need to work through everything. I'm also adopting some dietary changes for my health that everyone is on board to support, even my kids!

I feel like things are starting to shift.

Home

I have not abandoned my blog! I have just been refocused on my growth in a different way. I've really committed myself to working through my issues, and I've been journaling in a book, rather than here. Maybe someday I'll transpose it all to here, but for now there are some parts of my self discovery that I am keeping selfishly to myself.

Breaking away from my codependent processes has not been easy, but at least I'm trying. I've found a local CoDA chapter that I really click with. I've been working through the activities of Codependent No More. I've continued my daily meditations, my angel cards, and have swapped out my daily readings of The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo for The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

Today's message gave me chills. Heres a portion:

Come back home to yourself. Come back home to the present moment. We will not change things by escaping or leaving the moment. We will change things by surrendering to and accepting the moment.

The notion of "home" has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That the only place I felt like I was home was in MN, and I have subsequently been told I cant "come home." Not to where I was comfortable and safe, anyways.

I'm learning to find the home within myself. To stop putting so much power into other peoples hands. My happiness is none of their business, nor is theres any of mine. I have to put my Faith and my Trust in Myself. God help me...

Detachment

I'm practicing detachment. To step back from people and situations to let them handle their own issues with dignity, while I focus on pursuing my own inner peace.

It is not easy for me.

The compulsion to reach out, the nearly frantic obsessive thoughts wondering what happens next, when will I hear from him again... The reality is I may never hear from him... and I have to really accept the fact that, even if that is the case, I will be okay. I thought it was bothering me because I needed closure, that I was feeling used and abandoned. But I read a quote today that gave me pause:

"When removing yourself from toxic relationships, the compulsion to reach out has nothing to do with closure, but more to do with your addiction to that person. As wounds start to heal, they become itchy. Resist the urge to scratch."

I am resisting. It's so hard, but I'm really trying. I haven't reached out since Wednesday morning. I've been an utter wreck, but I'm trying to practice respectful detachment. For my own sanity.

Al Anon

On the recommendation of my therapist, I went to an Al Anon meeting tonight. I didnt speak, just listened and was present. I'm completely drained after the last 2 days of diving into my codependency, so I'll write about it tomorrow.

It was good. I'm glad I went.