Somethings Wrong

I've had a nagging sensation for a while now that I've been promptly ignoring. I've blown things off and pretended everything was fine. I've been telling everyone, myself included, that everything is fine. A little tired maybe, but otherwise fine.

I'm not.

I'm trying to make an appointment with a new rheumatologist. I have been in significant pain for the last 2 months. My shoulders and wrists are on fire most of the time. I tendons are slipping in places they didnt before. I've had a low grade fever for a while.

I want them to retest me for lupus.

Something is not right, and I can feel it. Quite literally in my bones.

The rest is up you you...

I have been witness to a lot of struggle recently. Mental, physical, spiritual. I saw this post on Instagram and it felt comforting to me. In a world full of chaos and uncertainty, there is only one constant... but I dont interpret this as doom and gloom. It's a reminder to make the most of my life - to not focus on the end, but to FOCUS ON THE LIVING. We can all toss around cliches about "making a new start this very moment" and "making the best out of what we have." 

Why not? 

Let's do just that. Make a new start. Set a glorious new intention and see what happens. 

Depression is a Liar

I attended Dave's funeral yesterday. I slipped in quietly, signed the guest book, and sat in the back. The chapel was packed. Standing room only. Stories were shared, tears were shed, and songs were sung. The rabbi said something that stuck with me: Depression is a Liar.

It moved me.

It moved me to reach out to a few friends and share the message. We are all doing the best we can, and sometimes the lies speak louder than the truth. Sometimes depression wins.

I should say more, but I'm feeling pretty quiet and reflective in this moment. I hope everyone is doing well. ❤

David

It was a year ago on my birthday when I saw you last. You were in attendance at my sister in laws funeral for her father. Worlds collided after many years apart when we realized that you were best friends with my sisters baby brother. We joked about high school memories. We laughed about awkward crushes, the "pretzel position," and a slew of other memories. We exchanged numbers and agreed to get dinner sometime. Fast forward one year and you wished me a happy belated birthday April 6th.

I wonder if you already had made your mind up at that point that you would take your own life the next night?

I will miss your infectious smile, your nervous and slightly awkward laugh, the way you'd stand ever so slightly too close when we talked. I will miss it all, my friend.

I'm sorry you were hurting and alone and took your own life.

Damn, Dave.

May you be at peace.

Stop Apologizing...

A Year

It's amazing what can change and what can stay the same in a years time. A year ago I held space of witness as my beautiful and kind sister in law lost and buried her father. I held space and bore witness to a friend just beginning his journey of healing his own heart. A year ago I was holding my breath, afraid that I might lose my own father.

This year I spent the 4th with many of the same people, my family, my sister in law, my father, and the feeling was very different. We all felt genuinely grateful to be together for my birthday. Glad that we were all together.

There were a few people who were once important to me that probably dont even realize that it was my birthday. Those people no longer matter. The people who DO matter thought of me, reached out, and were there to celebrate another passing year of life. MY life.

39. Big changes are in store for this year.

Hold on to your butts.

Priorities

For many of us, an average day feels like a scramble of urgent tasks. Its the buzz of an incoming text and the flash of a fresh email. And it feels satisfying to complete these timely to-dos. But as we tend to the seemingly urgent, there's a danger that we neglect the deeply important. And there's a crucial distinction to understand. Often what feels urgent is actually unimportant, it just feels important. Imagine for a moment your phone ringing. The vibration. The ring tone. The caller ID. But instead of picking up, imagine letting the call go to voicemail. How does it feel to sit with it? You might notice an anxiousness in your chest. We're used to picking up calls because they feel urgent. But if we really think about it, an incoming call can usually wait. In an ideal world, we would get to everything... but it's impossible. So how can we let go of what feels urgent, and make room for whats actually important? Well, in the words of Stephen Covey, "The key is not to prioritize whats on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities." So the first step is to get clear on whats important. Try making a list of whats of higher, deeper importance to you. Maybe is working on that book project, spending time with family, or the self-care of diet, exercise, and rest. And with our priorities defined, when we're pulled towards a request or email, the second step is to take a second to pause and ponder "can this wait?" Would acting on this task serve my deeper priorities? As we give more care to our priorities, we get better and devoting time to the truly important undertakings in life. It's never easy, but with discipline, we can take back our time. 

It's been a strange couple weeks. I've tackled some emotional hurdles, let go of some "moments that are not ours to keep," started another new job, and have really redirected my focus on my codependency steps. I've started my second workbook and have been reading it on my lunch breaks at the new job.

The new position is complicated, but I'm catching on to the scope of our line of business fairly quickly, and I suspect my position will expand quite quickly. They have already determined that they would like me to manage an entire database and get it up and running. So I must be doing something right 5 days into the new job!

I took a little trip this past weekend back to MN. It wasn't quite how I expected... I was anxious and nervous, on edge, and pretty terrified of running into certain individuals who I had no intention of ever seeing again. I didn't see them. I was relieved. I had a lovely time otherwise, but it was overwhelming; all the old memories flooding me. On the one hand, I felt vulnerable and stupid... on the other, I felt a sense of pride in overcoming some old fears.

I love MN, but I'm not sure I'll ever return.

It no longer feels like home.

So now it's time to take a look over my priorities. What are they? What do they look like? It's about that time of year again - Time to do a little spring cleaning of the soul.