I've finally started physical therapy. I'm officially 1 week in (2 sessions) and I am absolutely encountering some of the most overwhelming intrusive thoughts of my life. I continue to try to be chipper and grateful and kind to everyone around me on the outside, but I feel myself starting to buckle inside. My knee hurts so bad during this whole process, and I'm so afraid of additional pain. I didn't realize how much my previous reconstruction impacted my mental health before, but it's all come roaring back. The fear of never fully recovering. The fear of losing my ability to be intimate. The fear of losing my ability to walk without assistance permanently.
Yesterday was a temporary sigh of relief when my therapist told me she was pleased with my progress. Up to that point, I was afraid of being a disappointment. I guess that really is the root of my mental state currently. Afraid of being a disappointment. It's how I've governed my whole life, and my constant need to please everyone else. Getting my knee back to functional is definitely for me, but it's getting harder not to collapse in on myself with frustration and exhaustion.
I'm judging my parenting, I'm judging my work ethic, I'm judging my ability to be a worthy partner... and I feel like I'm not successful in any of them. I'm trying to tread and keep my head above water with a knee that doesn't bend and I'm getting so physically tired.
I've done very minimal reaching out to friends and I just don't have the mental energy to chase people around and beg them to be my friend. Someone dear to me recently said that they would only be using their phone when they need to, that they were done talking. I took that as they needed space, since a majority of our relationship has been them talking or needing something, me listening and helping. It hurt my feelings that they literally had no interest in being my friend during a difficult period of my life, because they needed to only focus on themselves (focusing on themselves is not new, thats how they have always been). Another friend did that to me before, years ago, and my response was to cut them off. That break was actually really good for me, so I haven't reached out. It's been almost 2 months, but I haven't initiated any contact. If they wanted to tell me how they were doing, they could text. If they wanted to know how I was doing, they could just ask. But they haven't, and I'm done being the one to always "check in." My circle of friends is pretty tiny right now, and I'm getting okay with it. Can't be a disappointment to my friends if I don't have any! Kidding. But I'm working on setting some new boundaries for myself and for the people I choose to let back in. I'm working on getting very comfortable with the phrase "no."
In other news, my sister had an incredibly successful first online art show. I'm so proud of her, and she sent me a piece that was my favorite, but not included in the show. She's been encouraging me to start creating art again myself, but I just feel so uninspired. A friend from high-school recently encouraged me to create something too, about what Ehlers Danlos means to me. I don't know how to describe it with words, let alone a physical representation. I had some ideas, but I don't know how to execute! So I made a pot. A tiny plant pot. It's been sitting around collecting dust. I bought paint and brushes and sculpting tools... and my inspiration took a crap. My creative motivation is just wallowing around in the dumps with the rest of my mood. I don't know where to start...
Maybe I'll stop some Gesso on it and just "see."
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