More Tiny Things

 I wouldn't say I've been bitten by the creative bug, but I've made a couple more tiny plant holders. They are whales, and they are for air plants. I got the inspiration on pinterest and made one from clay, and one from apoxie sculpt. The air plant will look like the water spout out the top of their little heads. 

Once I made them I was crushed with some imposter syndrome and told my sister I felt more like a xerox machine than an "artist." She gently reminded me that I still created my whales with my own two hands. It's still my style, my creativity imprinted on the thing that *I* made. Inspiration comes in all different shapes and ways, and it's okay to be proud of my little creatures, even if the idea isn't 100% unique or original - my interpretation of the idea is. 

I had an emotional PT session this past week too. At the end of the session she asked how I was feeling with our progress, and I admitted I was nervous about my progress appointment next week with the surgeon. She asked why I was nervous and I burst into tears. Ugly cry, hiccups, the whole 9 yards. I told her I was afraid of him saying my efforts aren't enough. That, like before, I won't be believed that I am working hard, doing my exercises, and really giving it my all. That my best still isn't good enough. She told me that I need to take ownership of that appointment. To not give him any room to criticize my efforts. That I should tell him that I'm getting stronger everyday, my kneecap is really starting to move, and I'm already to 40 degrees of flexion. She told me that if I present myself as recognizing my accomplishments, rather than diminishing them, that he will be excited about my progress too. She then had me practice saying outloud all my progress. 

I told her she earned the "therapist" portion of her title that day, and she said it was simply part of her job. I like her a lot, and she's very patient with my neurotic guarding and lack of self esteem during my treatments. 

Tiny Pots

 I've now created 2 tiny pots! Both primed with gesso and just waiting for inspiration to strike! I still don't feel ready for an EDS themed "art expression," but I have decided these little pots are just for me. 

I've also decided that for every 10 degrees of successful knee bending, I'm going to treat myself with a tiny plant. So tiny plants I've earned will go in my tiny pots I've made! 

Mental Block

 I've finally started physical therapy. I'm officially 1 week in (2 sessions) and I am absolutely encountering some of the most overwhelming intrusive thoughts of my life. I continue to try to be chipper and grateful and kind to everyone around me on the outside, but I feel myself starting to buckle inside. My knee hurts so bad during this whole process, and I'm so afraid of additional pain. I didn't realize how much my previous reconstruction impacted my mental health before, but it's all come roaring back. The fear of never fully recovering. The fear of losing my ability to be intimate. The fear of losing my ability to walk without assistance permanently. 

Yesterday was a temporary sigh of relief when my therapist told me she was pleased with my progress. Up to that point, I was afraid of being a disappointment. I guess that really is the root of my mental state currently. Afraid of being a disappointment. It's how I've governed my whole life, and my constant need to please everyone else. Getting my knee back to functional is definitely for me, but it's getting harder not to collapse in on myself with frustration and exhaustion. 

I'm judging my parenting, I'm judging my work ethic, I'm judging my ability to be a worthy partner... and I feel like I'm not successful in any of them. I'm trying to tread and keep my head above water with a knee that doesn't bend and I'm getting so physically tired. 

I've done very minimal reaching out to friends and I just don't have the mental energy to chase people around and beg them to be my friend. Someone dear to me recently said that they would only be using their phone when they need to, that they were done talking. I took that as they needed space, since a majority of our relationship has been them talking or needing something, me listening and helping. It hurt my feelings that they literally had no interest in being my friend during a difficult period of my life, because they needed to only focus on themselves (focusing on themselves is not new, thats how they have always been). Another friend did that to me before, years ago, and my response was to cut them off. That break was actually really good for me, so I haven't reached out. It's been almost 2 months, but I haven't initiated any contact. If they wanted to tell me how they were doing, they could text. If they wanted to know how I was doing, they could just ask. But they haven't, and I'm done being the one to always "check in." My circle of friends is pretty tiny right now, and I'm getting okay with it. Can't be a disappointment to my friends if I don't have any! Kidding. But I'm working on setting some new boundaries for myself and for the people I choose to let back in. I'm working on getting very comfortable with the phrase "no." 

In other news, my sister had an incredibly successful first online art show. I'm so proud of her, and she sent me a piece that was my favorite, but not included in the show. She's been encouraging me to start creating art again myself, but I just feel so uninspired. A friend from high-school recently encouraged me to create something too, about what Ehlers Danlos means to me. I don't know how to describe it with words, let alone a physical representation. I had some ideas, but I don't know how to execute! So I made a pot. A tiny plant pot. It's been sitting around collecting dust. I bought paint and brushes and sculpting tools... and my inspiration took a crap. My creative motivation is just wallowing around in the dumps with the rest of my mood. I don't know where to start... 

Maybe I'll stop some Gesso on it and just "see."