Heavy

 Im finding it harder and harder to keep up my motivation and optimism. Covid numbers continue to climb, communities continue to remain so ugly towards each other, and I grow more and more anxious going into work. I need money, but things are just getting incredibly hard. My patience is low, my temper hot, and I'm feeling like a caged animal. The courts remain closed to in person filings, and family court is currently not hearing any cases. Unless its a domestic violence issue, and those are being handled strictly by email only. 

I feel like I'm trying to tread water, but Im running out of energy and there's so little air. I opted to keep the kids virtual, and in light of recent cases, I think I made the best decision. But its still hard. I feel like I'm running out of options. 

I have this near constant ache in my chest. It gets worse at times and it catches my breath. It eventually subsides, but I know its anxiety based. I'm too afraid to tell anyone, but I'm on the verge of tears most of the time. I feel the safest and most at ease with J, but I can't just live with him, as much as I wish I could. I want to. We will get there, but legally NOW is not the right time. 

Fuck.