Strength

I feel like I've run out of strength. I've been trying to "suck it up" at work and at home and just do everything I need to. But I'm feeling myself buckling a little, and it frightens me. Working full time in adverse conditions is taking a physical toll. My father was in a car accident and literally only walked away by the grace of God. I've almost lost him twice this year, and the stress is getting to me.

I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I feel like something is going to break in me.

But I'm not alone. I can reach out to the people I love and ask for support when I need it. I am not a burden or an inconvenience or a pest. It's okay to feel weak, fragile, vulnerable...

It's just a matter of finding safe people to share those feelings with. I had boarded up the windows and locked the doors on my house of friendship. "No room at the inn" as I was still feeling burned by previous friends hurting me. No one gets back in once they walk out the door...

But I've been letting things go. Holding on to hurt is only hurting me. The other people dont care. Ive been loosening my grip of sadness and disappointment, and I opened up a window to air things out.

I love the way fall smells.

May I Be...

My daily meditation had a new mantra for me today...

Rather than just "May You Be Well, May You Be Loved, May You Be Joyful, May You Be At Peace," this was introduced:

May I Be Happy. May I Be Safe. May My Heart Feel Peace.

It seems a healthier stance to take than "fuck everyone." Rather than focus on the have nots, I'm going to practice gratitude for haves in my life. 

I am blessed in so many ways. 

Feeling... something?

I have not exactly been in the best place lately. My CoDA work has stalled a little lately, but I've maintained doing my meditations and selecting angel cards. My sleep schedule is all off and I have been feeling pretty depressed. I just haven't felt like me lately. More hollow. More alone in my own skin.

I accepted a recent friend request that I am now regretting.

Just the thought of a "friend request" makes me sick to my stomach. Friend request? We haven't been "friends" for a little while now, entirely by their choice, and now they want to extend a shallow olive branch via Facebook with still no words attached? What, they want to share how deliriously happy they are and expect me to just smile and bare witness? I'm happy they are happy. That doesn't mean I have to look at it or stand near it. I dont have to subject myself to constant reminders of how I'm not what they wanted, and the disgusting way my friendship was so thoughtlessly disposed of. Promises were broken. There is no trust there. They WERE a good friend.

Now? We are no longer friends.

I've since unfriended them. There was no reason for me to accept other than to hurt myself. I dont want to do that anymore. I have no room in my life for superficial and fake relationships.

My ex from MN has also moved on and is now deliriously happy as well. I've since reblocked him on social media as well.

I'm fucking tired of feeling like I'm "not worthy" to these people I once loved and trusted.

What they fail to realize is that I am awake now...

They are not worthy of ME.

Run along with your world changing happiness. It is no different than it has ever been. Those previous destructive patterns are alive and well within them, clouded by the distraction or self lies that just because it's a shiney new person/circumstance, the outcome will be different.

Perhaps they'll think I'm just bitter and jaded. But in truth, I no longer give a fuck what they think. I see the patterns. The self righteous boasts, the absolute obsessiveness... I see it now from the outside in. I've been there and done that too. It's a big chunk of my own codependency. But I dont have to subject myself to it and bare witness on their behalf... I have a choice.

No thank you. I'll pass.

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My card was communication.

Did you know that "no" is a complete sentence? Crazy, right?