In navigating the divorce proceedings, it is becoming harder and harder to cling to the notion of "its just not working out." He wants reasons. He wants answers. He wants a list of "why."
Why won't I work on us? Why won't I try? Why am I willing to throw away 17 years of "bliss" over something as small as "being unhappy?" How dare I be so selfish to make him and the kids unhappy too, just because I'm not happy. And yes, he literally said that. How far back should I go with this list? I've been trying to keep things amicable, but the more he pushes my boundaries, the more I just want to start writing down the list of times I felt used, unappreciated, unheard, and generally ignored. That his interest in fantasy outweighed his interest in reality with me long ago.
How do I tell him that the reasons "why" don't even matter anymore? I'm beyond done and there really isn't anything he could ever say or do to fix it. I don't love him. Haven't for years and years. Possibly never. I've also lost respect for him, and the constant hand holding through every adulting circumstance is exhausting. I'm not his mother... he still mooches off the one he has!
I'm so tired. However, November will be here before I know it.
