2018

This has been an emotional year, to say the least. It started with a huge shift. Moving back to Michigan after 14 months of the most selfish thing I have ever done for myself. Some times were really great. Some times were really, really bad. Bad enough I moved home.
I moved home just in time to see my family through extreme hardship. My father almost died, and I did my best to hold us all together.
I thought I had met someone. They met someone else.
I then spent months being angry. Really angry. At others. At how I was the consolation prize, the after thought. Mostly I was angry with myself. Angry that I felt I needed the validation of any man to know my worth.
I started attending CoDA meetings and reading books and really embracing my codependency. Not as something to blame, but as a means to understand AND MAKE A CHANGE.
I started to get comfortable with making changes, saying no without feeling guilty, and beginning to make boundaries.

Then I met someone. I met someone who is kind, gentle, thoughtful, and very understanding of where I am coming from. My knee jerk reaction is to flinch at so many things... emotionally flinching if I make an intellectual mistake, having previously been looked down at, snubbed, and judged. Flinching if anyone orders a beer, anticipating the 8 to 10 that will follow, and the emotional abuse that follows on the heels of intoxication. Flinching if anything breaks, fearing the temper tantrums of yelling and stomping around that I had grown accustomed to.
These things don't happen. There are times I fear it's too good to be true. But I'll take it as long as I can have it!

I just put my dog down. Its hitting me a lot harder than I was anticipating. She was such a good girl.

So 2018 draws to a close similarly to how it started. Mourning the loss of something that was significant, while looking forward with hopeful optimism to what comes next.

I've cut ties with the past. I dont want to live there anymore. My future holds promise, but it's being present in the now that I'm really interested in.

A Sad Day

I put down my dog Butterscotch today. She was in my lap with a belly full of treats when she took her last breath. She had lost so much weight lately, I knew something was wrong.

Lung cancer. Both sides and extremely aggressive. So I decided to end her suffering and give her peace in dignity.

I was alone.

It's hard saying goodbye, even when you know it's the right thing to do.

I'm so tired now. My eyes are swollen from a years worth of tears I finally let myself cry.

This was an emotional week even before the dog died.

Im so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. I am loved, even when I feel unlovable.